bedazzle...

Have you ever felt like your heart starts running ahead of you & you're just trying to keep up? ...like I feel this way, but I don't know if it's the right way to feel. If you are unsure about something, you probably don't want to admit your feelings about it, but this time the feeling is so strong you just want to sing it out loud. This feeling is undeniable, but you know that by revealing it you are sharing something about yourself that is a mystery even to you.... a spark of truth about yourself that you may not grasp the significance of. This makes you vulnerable and some may deem it unwise to send unshielded sparks flying out into the universe unaided, unprotected, and unchaperoned, but these little sparks may have nothing to do with you. Life is a collaboration & maybe someone else needs to see that spark or even catch it. Some may be frightened by it, but that in itself means nothing. Sometimes you just have to be vulnerable if you want to be a part of this world, but since you are not invincible, you do have to understand that there is danger. You may want to send your spark with a little umbrella. I like throwing myself out there, it's exhilarating. There's no pride in it really, because deep down there is uncertainty, but there is freedom in breaking away... freedom in trusting that you can be who you are. You can make known who you are, even if you are wrong, because it is o.k. to be wrong. Faith is what fuels sparks. It's what gives us courage and wings. I have sparks, little pieces of me that may not be understood, but they're simply undeniable. Am I to smother my own self? Though I be imperfect, if I can share the unfinished, unpolished pieces of me, they may fit together with somethings sitting all alone inside of you. These things may all come together in someone else. This is how we go together. This is living.

 

children @ play...

I am in love with this day. No particular reason. I just like it, and I'm thrilled to do what I can today to be living the life I want to live. Yestserday Daniel & Emmeli & Hannah & I made an all-paper environment with a mountain, a stream, a bridge, some boulders, etc... It was sort of a growing experience for me & eye opening as well. The reason... because it was completely nonsensical. There isn't really anything that I can use an all-paper environment for, except maybe a fire starter. I like to make things, but I usually make something for a party or for a gift or for a picture frame that I need to fill. When I play with the kids, and we are just making something for fun (ie. lego building), I usually start organizing the legos by color. Or if it's blythe, I will make a little setup, so that the girls can play. I don't play well, and I don't play often. That is a very sad thing to admit. Anyway, I went to bed thinking, tomorrow I will play more. This is nothing new. I tell myself that all the time. The thing is, you can't force play. It has to come from inside you. But what you can do is be available. And you can try very very hard to let go of your methodized, well regulated, symmetrical, rational way of seeing things. You can at least work on that. So anyway, none of this is really new, but it feels new today. That's good, because it means that there's a little me inside who still wants to be "it". And at least I did participate in creating the all-paper environment. Even though it doesn't really count as "playing" in my book, it was still utterly futile, so that's kind of like playing. Okay, I gotta go now before I make myself sad & completely sabotage this day's potential for merriment. What happened to my brain? It dearly loves to laugh, but never learned to have fun, or maybe it's forgotten, I'm not sure which. Actually, if I really think about it, there are definitely some things that happened to me as a kid that made me, each time, a little more afraid to stand out. It's totally kind of hard to have fun, if you feel like everyone's watching and someone is going to make you feel really stupid. (Yes, I did just say totally kind of.) That's a real downer thing to say in a blog that started out so jolly, I know, but really, I think it's important for us all to realize the impact we have on the people around us. Be nice! Be encouraging! Somebody's ability to have a fun life could be hanging in the balance! Just so you know, I never intended to conclude this blog with a moral, but it turned out to be a really awesome piece of wisdom & advice don't you think? Thanks for listening.

first things first...

Me... "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown in about two seconds."

Emmeli... "But you said you were going to blend my smoothie first." ^_^