when I look into your eyes...

illustration by Vladimir Bobri

Intentionally abstract. I gave my disclaimer. I don't know why I chose this image. Life is a little like that sometimes. I often wake up this way, and it takes me a little bit to calm down. It's not something I can readily put into words, so let's talk about something else... Ok, I got nothing. Let's talk about this, but in an around about sort of way. Sometimes when I'm writing, I think of a specific person who may or may not be watching. I don't mean one single person, I mean sometimes this person, sometimes that person. Not like it's written for him/her, but like, I think about what he/she may think about it. I guess you could say I have a certain reader in mind. I think it's because I can't think of everyone at once. That's probably why I so often personify the blog, because I need someone to write to for the words to flow. Sometimes I just talk to myself; but that can get a little lonely. 

It's amazing how a few strokes can carry so much feeling. There's a double meaning in that. I'm trying to help you see. The lovely thing is that some people don't need help. And it's a happy day when you find that person, the one person who doesn't need an explanation which you are not likely to give. Some of us will spend the rest of our lives recalling instances where this person or that person completely missed it, and though we risk looking like complete idiots, explaining just isn't an option. 

Though this is so often my look (the one you see here), when I think of looks this is not what I see. There is a look though. I keep it hidden in my pocket and must reassure myself from time to time. I'm speaking to a certain someone now, I hope you can see that. It's deep, I know, and if we stay too long, you'll surely drowned, but still we have to touch it. It's like a breadcrumb, see, a very soggy breadcrumb that I've left here just for you.

a donkey...

You may have heard me mention once or twice that I want a donkey, actually I think what I want is a mule. I haven't started looking at the different types, I'm still working on a name. This may not ever happen, I may change my mind. Animals are a lot of work and I don't know if I'm up for it, but still, I've named this donkey many many times already and I thought it might be good to jot these names down, just in case. Pretty much any name I like, my first thought is, that would be a great name for a donkey. So anyway, I plan to come back here as needed to update with new ideas. If the donkey thing never happens, at least I'll have a list of really awesome names in alphabetical order. This also opens up a whole new avenue for the blog. This is a great place for lists! So, that is definitely going to be a thing.  Here's what we have so far: Ash, Atari, Captain Moonlight, Finlay, Hanzo, Heimlich, Lettice,  Lupin, Kristopherson, Mason, Maximillian, Pluto, Renzo.

one, two, three...

illustration by The Walt Disney Studio

Is anyone else noticing a pattern of threes? Three billy goats gruff, three little pigs, three blind mice, three little kittens, three fairies in sleeping beauty, three bears in Goldilocks, three days to guess in Rumpelstiltskin (also, she's asked to spin the straw into gold three times). In Snow White there are three drops of blood, three murder attempts, & three days of mourning. In Cinderella- bippity, boppity, boo: the magic happens on three. They say three is a charm, or more accurately, 'third time's a charm.' I wonder how long they've been saying that. In many of these stories the third try ends with success. For instance, the house of bricks in "The Three Little Pigs," the biggest brother with the biggest horns in "Three Billy Goats Gruff," the perfect porridge in "Goldilocks and the Three Bears," and the guessing of the name in "Rumpelstiltskin." In others, it just seems to be that 'just right' number, the number of completion, the perfect representative numeral for recurrence.

Referring to my previous post, "Just Right," which contains more of my thoughts on Goldilocks, I think it's essentially a lesson in repetition (stick-to-it-ativeness) meant to teach young people, 'keep trying until you get it right' (which really isn't too far off from 'don't settle,' by the way). I think the side-plot of a little girl who entered a cottage uninvited and was ultimately chased off by bears is inconsequential or just thrown in for a bit of humor. Or, perhaps they just wanted to stuff in as many lessons as possible, and like Hansel & Gretel, kids should also come away knowing, you don't just walk up to people's houses and start eating stuff. In another story, Snow White, who also went in uninvited, didn't get chased off at all; they all became fast friends. But notice, she cleaned house before she ate and went to bed. Did she even eat? Or did she just make soup? I don't know, I need to read it again. All I can think of is the Disney version which adds in yet another lesson, "whistle while you work.' Anyway, if we go back to the central theme of Goldilocks, 'try, try, try again', here are some things to consider: 1. Once Goldilocks find's the 'just right' chair, it breaks.  2. Just when she starts to get comfortable, she has a rude awakening. It's important to learn to laugh at these things early in life, don't you think?

Honestly, I think it's because these stories are so multi-faceted that they've endured. It really doesn't have to boil down to just one moral, life just isn't that simple. The overarching  theme of all of this, anyway, is that we have to share stories; we have to laugh, learn, and illustrate. In this you will find true happiness in the Goldilocks zone. But don't forget, the magic happens on three.

just right...

illustration by Kurt Wiese

Funny story, don't you think? Depending on the illustrations, the bears can really look like the bad guys. But when you sympathize with the littlest bear who got his porridge eaten and his chair broken,   you may find yourself quickly switching sides, like a gutless flip-flopper. You know what's really scary? When I try to remember my childhood brain, I may have actually walked away from this story thinking something along the lines of, 'You have to keep trying until you find the one that's just right' (ie. don't settle). Whoa, that's pretty scary. And you thought Goldilocks was selfish. Perhaps, some walk away thinking, 'When breaking and entering, don't fall asleep.' That certainly makes me feel better anyways. It's interesting to discover how people see things differently. Fairytales like this one, which don't seem to have any clear morals, are especially suited for this, like those ink blot tests which are clearly obscure. In my defense, I'm not the only one to have hung on to this 'just right' theme. Did you know scientists have named the area in a solar system where the planets are neither too cold, nor too hot to support life a 'Goldilocks zone?' We live in the Goldilocks zone of our solar system; bet you didn't know that. Who is this little girl anyway? Is she homeless? She was obviously tired and hungry and wandering around in the forest all alone, not that that gave her the right to just go right in and make herself at home, but it certainly does help you along in sympathy. But then, if she was so hungry, why all the fuss- beggars can't be choosers. 

I'll just leave you to ponder these things on your own. I'm sure you have your own thoughts on the subject. But I love this new phrase 'Goldilocks zone' I think I'll use it. I have a very well defined Goldilocks zone in my brain for most things, the trouble is, it's not always easy to find. I think I've spent most of my life trying to remain in the Goldilocks zone. This is totally random, but I can remember my 10 year old self at a friend's house eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and thinking, 'This is the best pb&j I've ever had!' I think I asked the mom what brand of peanut butter and how did she make it. If I remember correctly, the secret lies in putting the peanut butter on both pieces of bread, but I'm still convinced it was just really good peanut butter. I often remember that, because I think it is so weird and I can see that that weirdness persists to this day. For some reason, though, this type of behavior is acceptable as an adult, at lease I see everyone else doing it. Apparently, adults are expected to be unreasonable. k. I'm outa here. As usual I am late for school. I think this is "the magic" that makes blogs happen- tardiness.

checking up, checking out...

illustration by Roger Duvoisin

So, we're here for a checkup (me, myself, & I). Not even sure if I can do this anymore, but once upon a time I had a habit of writing things down. Even though it was very time consuming, somehow that was never a problem, so I'm relying on that bit of magic to kick in. It does sort of look after me you know (the blog), so this picture is quite meaningful. I know that, and I know you know that, but this is all part of the re-introductory process. Baby steps. I'll certainly be a bit wobbly at first, but as I recall, to do this, you just have to dive right in. I'd like to start with a list of excuses, all of which you've heard before, but heaping them all up into a nice neat pile may help me feel better. Okay, so I just did that in my mind. It did help though. Whining helps too... Did you know that typing on the computer kills my arm (carpel tunnel- self diagnosis) and this morning I have in only one contact lens, which is making typing rather an adventure. Great! So glad to get that off my chest. Paranoia- that's a thing. It's not so much paranoia of being judged for my writing, but paranoia that someone is watching. they are watching you know.

Each of the kids has come in this morning (into the kitchen) and remarked at my click clacking on the keyboard vs. the usual scrolling posture- chai and scrolling, that's how I usually start my day and I'm thinking... 'that's gotta stop." I'm not working on any New Year's resolutions or anything, but I do love a fresh start and I'm super excited about this new year in which I hope to live a more purpose- driven life. I'm not sure if that's the right phrase and it's in no way referencing the book carrying the same title (which I have never read), it just came out that way. In fact, now I want to delete it. (Don't you hate that? Like when you want to name your cat Twilight and everyone thinks you're referencing some teen novel which you have also never read.) But what I mean is, you have to make choices in this life, which way you will go, how you will get there, and how quickly, etc... and if you don't make up your mind, and expect someone else to do all the choosing, they certainly will do it for you. You will find yourself rattling around in a cart being pulled by a team of horses who just run in ay direction because they can. Some creatures were simply built to run...

{That is where it stops. This is an old draft I dug up that never went anywhere. I'm posting it now, because it's the only blog I have for the whole year of 2018, it is very sad- very sad only, so let's not think about it.} 

counting blessings...

illustration by Felicitas Kuhn

Have I told you that I gather wildflowers for a living? I have four beautiful children who are all wild and free, who are themselves, individuals, nonconformists, loving the Lord. I have a pulchritudinous husband who loves the Lord and loves me. (His constant go, go, go drives me crazy, but it also makes him a real hottie.)  I have a Great Dane (I always wanted one.) I have a Vitamix too. I live in a house surrounded by trees, mostly giants. I have two fluffy bunnies to hold anytime I want. I have an amazing camera (completely underutilized) and shelves and shelves of books. I am the tea peddler, the finder, the gatherer. This morning I saved a lightning bug from a web, that makes me web-cutter. Ha. That really happened. That is what we around here like to call Brendan Luck, which makes me Luckwearer. I've got more...