negative asset manager...

Today's blog will start with me saying, today is my birthday. I am forty today & upon waking, my handsome husband informed me that I am now over the hill. (He's four months younger than me.) I'm really not worried about being "over the hill". I just can't be bothered with that sort of thing. But to be honest, when he said that, in spite of all of the negative associations attached to that phrase, I thought, phew, what a relief. I mean, life is tough. In some ways and on some days, I'm ready to get off this crazy train. But now that I'm putting a little more thought into this, one does have to reach the top of the hill before geting over it, right? So for today, actually for this whole year, I must be on top of the hill. I like on top of the hill. I've made it this far, and it's a lovely lovely view, so I might as well enjoy it. If next year I am to begin the descent into the valley, so be it. Valleys are lovely, dark, and deep.... and lush and green .... and lovely. But honestly, I may just keep climbing. In the distance there are taller peaks as far as the eye can see, so as long as I'm in the climbing mood, I can just keep doing what I've been doing. At each summit, if I still feel like climbing, I guess I'll just keep going until it becomes necessary to climb down. I guess it's possible for the Lord to just pick me up at the top, too. There's always that option. When I was a little person and climbed way up into the tops of trees, I was never very good at climbing down, so I guess this is kind of like that. I do want to say, though, that although I am not concerned about this thing (turning forty), I think it's quite natural to do a bit of soul searching upon reaching this landmark. And so, I did mine while watching The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I have to admit, it's a bit cheesy at parts, but it has a wonderful overall feel to it and a great theme: “To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.” I've seen the movie before. As I was trapped in my room (because the kids were decorating), I thought I'm turning forty tomorrow...oh well, let's watch a movie. Walter Mitty. Perfect. Not at all like the usual scrolling and scrolling until you are so tired of looking that you just want to go to bed. When I saw Ben Stiller standing there with his brief case, I just knew. And I was right. Anywho, I robbed my title from there and the motto is nice, and, all in all, I really thought it made for an excellent transition into adulthood, since apparently that's where I'm headed.

 

the spleen...

The woods are lovely, dark, & deep. Normally I would have made that the title of this blog... actually, normally if I was feeling like the woods are lovely, dark, & deep, I probably just wouldn't blog at all, but this blog is meant to be a little backwards and upside down. I'll tell you why. Some people may think my blogs are uncaptivating, so this blog is meant to captivate. For those of you who do not know, the spleen is not only a dark red oval organ on the left side of the body, it is also often used as an obscure reference to feelings of morose and bad temper. Some people like to mention the spleen, a lot. I'm more of a kidney kind of gal myself. All the while that spleens are holding on to ill will, kidneys are curing and purifying and cleansing. I just came up with that. It's true, but it's kind of funny. I really do mention the kidneys about as often as Swift mentions the spleen, but there never was any logic to it until now. So let us start by saying an artist captures things that ought to be shared. I say ought, and I guess that's debatable, but I believe in sharing. Perhaps sometimes there are things that ought not to be shared, like when you are painting or singing or writing and all that comes out is anguish. That's not really helpful... or is it? I guess a little anguish now and then could be helpful. It helps people to see that you are human and that they are human, just incase someone happened to forget that. Regarding blogs, I realize that if all that's being offered is super sweet like Sugar Rush, people may leave a little hungry, but maybe that is just my calling. Maybe sometimes people need a break from beef jerky & Heroe's Duty. So my blogs are not lovely, dark, and deep. By keeping some parts of me hidden, I may appear to be tame and uninteresting, at worst, shallow, but I'm okay with that. I do have an abrasive side, it's just not my best side; and the world is exciting enough.

P.s. I know this blog sounds like all my other blogs, but I tried. I thought I was on the right track when I came up with that title. It was all downhill from there.

 

i, me, my...

I love it when I come to my blogging app & find an old blog that I never posted. That's what happened with my previous post. I am not currently at the coffee shop with Ben, but I was at the coffee shop with Ben, and I felt it blogworthy at the time, which is something special. Sometimes I feel self conscious about blogging. I never have been able to keep a journal before starting this online one, because I couldn't bear to go back & read what I had written. I was forever tearing out journal pages until one day I started over, here. I recently started a garden journal which is bound in such a way that if you tear out pages, the other pages start falling out, so I've taken to pasting pages together when I want to hide things- pretty brilliant, eh? Here on this blog I get a little insecure about the fact that I'm always talking about myself, how I feel about things & what not, like now, as I'm writing about how I feel about writing. I can't seem to break away from this writing about writing. It reminds me of this book we have called How to Read a Book. How do you read a book about how to read a book? The answer is, you don't. You hang in there until about 1/3 of the way through and then you make a conscious decision to stop reading said book. Anyway, I'm coming to peace with the fact that I may never stop writing about writing. It's really okay. If that's what keeps me going, I'm just going to go with it. But I do sympathize with those of you who receive these posts through email. I mean, only my dearest friends and family belong to that group, and you can't very well email me and ask me to stop or ask to be removed- sorry guys. But to my children who all love to write- maybe someday when you are stuck, you will find a friendly voice here, and I say to you, keep writing. Say something. Whatever is on your heart, put it on paper, on screen, or whatever, because those who love you want to know more about you, and those who don't know you, will wish they did when they are done. At least they will have had a glimpse of something real. So, now that we've got the preliminaries out of the way... on to the goods. This is always the way it happens, which is why I have learned to persevere. Sometimes I say some really silly things and I like that about myself. But what I like even more about that is the way that Ben and Daniel pick up on those ridiculous remarks and make known to me my own folly. You can't retract those things once they've slipped out. You can certainly keep them to yourself if you are quick enough, but what fun is that? There is something very freeing about laughing at oneself, and not needing to explain oneself, and knowing that you are loved even if you are very foolish. I think I should have liked to have been a fool if I had lived in medieval times. I can still be one today, but it just doesn't carry with it the same clout without the getup and garb and title. I think my biggest brag is that I once took an online quiz which qualified me as a traveling minstrel of ye olden days. I've sort of taken that on as my trademark I think. I'm sure I've blogged about it before. I realize that minstrels were musicians and I am not one, but I don't let that bother me. They also told stories and entertained & stuff. The best part is they were companions. They were endeared to those who accompanied them AND they got to travel. I'd much rather be a wandering fool than a situated master mind...though I admire both. That may be my folly, but you never know, it may also be my genius.

 

vamoose...

At the coffee shop with ben. I love at the coffee shop with ben.