Today Emmeli was telling me that she wanted to be my pet mouse, and she wanted to be a baby mouse named Mousy. Then, referring to her real self, she started to say, "I'm a baby," but she didn't. She said, "I'm a........I used to be a baby." At this moment I felt like time stopped and I looked at her and took in the magnitude of what she said. It was as if some enchantment had been broken. I was proud of her for some strange reason and I wanted to cry at the same time. There was a part of me that wanted to somehow hide what she had said and pretend it never happened, but I just sat there and let it soak in. She's not a baby, she's almost five years old. Even though I may know that, it's so hard to let that truth take hold and it's an idea that she is just beginning to grow into. Hearing her say it somehow made it true, and for me, it was a powerful realization that I don't have any babies anymore. I know, deep down, that I can't keep them small, but I am holding on so tightly. I feel like I'm holding back time like a tightly drawn rubberband, and I fear if I let go, everything from this point will be accelerated.
Monday, January 26, 2009
baby mouse...
Today Emmeli was telling me that she wanted to be my pet mouse, and she wanted to be a baby mouse named Mousy. Then, referring to her real self, she started to say, "I'm a baby," but she didn't. She said, "I'm a........I used to be a baby." At this moment I felt like time stopped and I looked at her and took in the magnitude of what she said. It was as if some enchantment had been broken. I was proud of her for some strange reason and I wanted to cry at the same time. There was a part of me that wanted to somehow hide what she had said and pretend it never happened, but I just sat there and let it soak in. She's not a baby, she's almost five years old. Even though I may know that, it's so hard to let that truth take hold and it's an idea that she is just beginning to grow into. Hearing her say it somehow made it true, and for me, it was a powerful realization that I don't have any babies anymore. I know, deep down, that I can't keep them small, but I am holding on so tightly. I feel like I'm holding back time like a tightly drawn rubberband, and I fear if I let go, everything from this point will be accelerated.
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I didn't want to cry to start out my morning!! Sorry I missed your calls yesterday. Work was crazy and I had people in my office when the phone rang. Wish I had been able to chat. Love you! And cheer up, maybe one of these days I'll have a baby and then you can live vicariously through me as I have through you all these years! :)
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