never never land...

i can't believe what is happening to my beach!!!!!! it's so sad & horrible & DISGUSTING! WHY?! & HOW?! & what in the world is wrong with people? they are so messed up in the head & backwards & ...(i'm trying really hard not to say something ugly!) we're going to be fighting this mess when we're all old & explaining to our grandkids what a beautiful beach looks like! what a monstrosity! BP is a monster & we're MONSTER MAGNETS!!!! no wonder kids don't ever want to grow up! it's because adults are DIMWITS! PLEASE!!!! take me away to a place where things like THIS NEVER NEVER happen!!!!

you know me?...

It's fun to see yourself through someone else's eyes, especially if they see something nice & they've pegged you right. It's kind of rewarding to see that someone else knows you so well, & to see that they remember the good in you & not the bad; to see that someone else can answer questions for you about yourself better than you can, because they're young & sweet & uncomplicated. Emmeli~ (4/27/2010) "Mom, what do you like?" ... answering her own question: "Mom likes ice cream, Mom likes b-days, Mom likes pictures, Mom likes sticks, Mom likes flowers, Mom likes me."

right 'n wrong...

You can't always do everything right. Sometimes you just have to do it wrong.

chef boyardee...

I know I talk a lot about date night here. It is definitely one of the highlights of my existence. Last night I was totally relishing the joys of being april. I realize that all people are not so easily amused, and I love that I get to glean so much happiness from simple oddities. It makes life so pleasant. Speaking of relish, Emmeli & I finally ate at the Fleetwood Diner. (She's been asking me to take her there for a long time.) Upon Jewels recommendation, I ordered hippie hash & it was pretty darn good. (*hash browns with mushrooms, tomatoes, broccoli, & feta cheese, & onions?-not sure about the onions...I think it had onions) So, here are the things I loved about the evening that I know mostly make me sound like a mind-washed nincompoop ~I spelled that right on the first try : I love going to Acme. I love that it's the place that I remember from watching roadrunner, that the girl who runs the place is named Jewels, that we are on a first name basis, like the same music, & that she's making me a compilation, just because. I love that I can get a huge smile buying some silly thing there for under $10. Last night's purchase was a notepad for recording errands. I told Jewels we were going to eat at the fleetwood diner, and she recommended the hippie hash. (How could I resist the hippie hash?) At the diner while waiting for our food, Emmeli & I took turns smelling her fruitstripe gum. It reminded me of how Hannah once said a scratch & sniff sticker smelled like it was born to be smelled. (Ever notice how all the flavors taste the same?) I wished I had my camera as we were waiting for our food. The diner, which was really a vintage Fleetwood motorhome, I think, had stickers all over the walls inside from years & years of people sticking them up. I love that the waytress (I misspelled that on accident at first, but I like it that way, so I'm leaving it-very fitting) was really grumpy like Flo from Mel's diner & that I tipped her really well by accident. I think I was hypnotized by the friendly chef boy there who felt compelled to start juggling condiments, as we were paying the check. I love spending time with my little Emmeli who is the jokiest little soul on the planet. She is the epitome of her hippie hash, acme, juggle loving mama who laughs on the inside, only she's turned inside out. After a short walk on the longest night of the year & a rootbeer float on the porch, the night ended with a magical display of fireflies. They really are magical. Emmeli see's them as little flying robot insects buzzing their buzzers. That wasn't really the end, beacause we played LBP, ofcourse. This is only a tiny smathering of the simplicities that lit up my inner rejuvenator last night & the funny thing is, I was really perturbed with my day at the beginning of the night & didn't even want to go out. What am I trying to say here? I have no idea. Why is it that the simplest little things make me so happy? Ben says I'm trying to re-live my childhood. Is that true? I hope I never grow up. A few more bonus items that contributed to my super combo variety date night: We saw a bunny on our walk, & Ben (we invited the rest of the fam to come on the walk) picked a flower for me. In a weird way, I obtained enjoyment from watching Emmeli contemplate, as she realized she couldn't scooter & hold my hand at the same time. I have a beautiful life. What makes an evening so full of gumpf & gusto? I wish I knew, so I could do it again & again.

*When this blog runs out, I'm naming my next blog gumpf & gusto. I hope it's not taken.

weird...

something cute that emmeli said the other day... she told me that she saw someone with a prosthetic limb, although she didn't call it that of course, & she said she thought it was weird. so we talked about that for a bit, but then i told her she should never tell someone she thinks they look weird, because it could hurt their feelings. ( i just wanted to make sure ) she replied, "i think myself is weird sometimes. i like to do lazy things & i like dumb commercials." i loved that. i think myself is weird sometimes too.

blog shmaug...

traveling buddy...

Thanks traveling buddy. You're the best. Glad you didn't have to get out your green hat while I was there.

my best friend...

God is my best friend. He's always there for me, even in the middle of the night, when everyone else is sleeping and I just want to talk. Even when He has been asking me to come hang out with Him for weeks & I keep putting Him off. He just keeps asking.

breaking up...

Having caffeine makes me feel like I'm in love~ in love with life, in love with the world. But then, it's never long before we have a horrible break up.

head of a woman...

I love to wake up & blog to start my day. I wish I could sit here with a cup of coffee. I did have a coffee at Angelo's yesterday, because it was Mother's Day. It was so good. I'll be craving coffee for weeks now. Anyway, it's nice to sit down to something in the morning, otherwise I feel like I'm walking in circles. Right now my brain is in random fire mode, which is perfect for blogging. It's great fun, because nothing comprehensible comes out at this point, and I have to try to piece everything together so that my writing comes out looking something like a Picasso. The problem is that I'm too much of a perfectionist to appreciate the beauty of that very large nose, or to be able to accept that one eye is much bigger than the other, or to leave the hands, even though they are way too big for the boy I just painted. So, I work work work 'til everything looks normal and you miss the beauty of what could have been, if I only knew how to savor the imperfection. Well, I'm awake now, so I better get busy with my day. Love to all my readers, I know who you are-even if you never comment. =) Have a lovely day.

*See- even when I choose a Picasso, I have to choose a normal looking one. He was probably just waking up when he sketched this, and never got around to moving everything around the way he wanted. Anyway, I like the title of this one.

wetness...

I love rain. I was going to put this as a p.s. to my last post, but decided that it needed it's own place. I know I've probably blogged quite a bit about both food/dieting and rain, but that's o.k. *smile* I love the sound of the rain, the way it washes everything, the way it keeps me tucked inside my house, the way it falls from the sky. I love watching it. I love the wetness of it. Even if I'm not getting wet, just being surrounded by rain makes me feel like I'm in the shower or swimming or swimming in a shower. It's comforting. What is it, that feeling that something is washing over you? I can't describe it. I wonder if anyone has ever captured it in words. I love big thunder storms too and I miss those. A dump truck in the alley behind my house just set down a big dumpster with a rumbling bang & for a moment I thought it was thunder. *smile* Well, that's o.k. gentle rains are lovely in their own way. I love how the birds come out of their hiding places when the rain slows to a drizzle, and they start chirping and shake the water off their feathers. I think it's beautiful to them too.

taking control...

First of all... forgive me if my next several blogs have to do with food or complaints about the lack of food. I'm starting a diet today & I'm blogging about it, so that I will be inclined to stay on the diet. At first I planned to eat nothing but cereal for three weeks so that I could have a small taste of what it must be like for people who really have no food, but then I chickened out, literally, and decided that, in order to keep up with the high demands of my day to day activities, I better have some protein. So, the plan is to have 1 bowl of cereal, 1 yogurt smoothie, & 1 salad with chicken on it each day. I won't be eating any snakes, in case you were wondering. In fact, looking at this picture every day may help me stay on the diet (as I think about all the people in the world who are so hungry that they have to eat snakes). I know it's very exciting for you to hear the details of my diet. I figured I better spell it out, though.

"It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back." ~Mick Jagger

I always take advice from Mick Jagger. =)

fighting apathy...

Where have I lost all of my willpower? Must be on the loose, running & running-unstoppable no doubt. Whatever fear of being a quitter, whatever pride, determination, stick-to-it-iveness, or whatever I had-it's gone now. Life does seem easier, but I think I'd rather be proud & fearful.

"People do not lack strength, they lack will." ~Victor Hugo

la la laaa linoleummm...

"L" is such a lovely letter; for words like lollipop & lace; the letter "L" lights up your face; so why not la-la-la-la-laaaaaaa... with meeeee.....

safe and sound...

Yay! It's April! All that's on my mind... I might possibly have the best kids on the planet; I'm ready to go on a big road trip, but will miss Ben; I'm anxious about seeing Willow & helping him transition to his new home/Becky was a great foster mom & I know she & Willow will miss each other; super excited to see my friends Missy, Laura, & possibly Udora- I have great friends; tired of trying to be skinny so I can go to the beach without worrying about how I look/hoping my shorts from last summer still fit; loving the beautiful Easter lilies that are on my table; a little concerned about Snow's lung function test results from today's visit-I'm sure everything will be fine- I don't like seeing Snow worry; thankful that Ben & I can make up sometimes just by holding hands-without saying anything; having fun doing a Bible study in the book of Esther with Snow; feeling a little anxious about how all of my plans will come together for my trip to P'cola/looking forward to connecting with some old friends if it works out; excited about seeing my family but preparing myself for the drama that comes with...that's enough for now... did I mention I hate shopping... I HATE SHOPPING!!! o.k. feeling much better now that I've unloaded a bit. Now I shall sleep like a baby & wake up happy.

my menagery...

Snow made me the cutest little lion to add to my menagery. He looks like Afro Ken. =) I just love him!

moon smile...

i saw alice in wonderland with ben tonight. on the way home the moon looked exactly like the smiling moon smile of the cheshire cat in the movie. i don't know if i've ever seen it like that before-maybe once or twice. funny that it would be like that tonight, though. we got in the car, started home, and there it was, smiling at us. =) good night smiling moon, you weird thing. see you next time.

bare...

Did you know when I look at an empty inbox I resort to talking to myself. There's nothing more depressing than an empty inbox. That's why I need a blog. It's like being your own best friend & like having a billion imaginary friends at the same time. Hello friends...

phone a friend...

Emmeli met a little friend named Fiona at her "fun with clay" class. Yesterday was the last day of class, so I met Fiona's mom & we got their phone number and Em wanted to call as soon as we got home from the class. I didn't let her call last night, but told her that she could call today. So this morning when Emmeli woke up she stumbled down the stairs and brought the phone up to her bed first thing. I didn't catch on to what she was up to right away, but then she went over to her little mushroom purse and started to unfold the little piece of paper, eyes barely open. It was SO sweet. What a cutie!

the young and the restless...

poor emmeli has growing pains, dry skin, sleep disorder, separation anxiety, and restless leg syndrome. =) she can't sleep at night, so she wakes up and realizes that she's all alone & needs to climb in bed with somebody. Then she can't get back to sleep because her legs hurt, and they itch, and she can't stop moving them all around. poor girl. last night after an hour of turmoil, i gave her some benadryl, not because i was trying to drug her, but because her legs were itching like mad. that cured everything, that stuff works wonders.

be free...

So we know now that we really should not have any pets (except maybe saltwater fish). It's difficult to accept this, especially for this nature-loving family. Everybody wants a little companion, but I'm teaching myself and the children that the beauty of nature is in it's wildness~not it's tameness.

new teeth...

Emmeli is so so excited about her first loose tooth. It's all she's been talking about all day. She says she can't wait 'til all her teeth fall out and she gets all new teeth.

my bunny...

for my bunny who put up with so much affection

and now has to live with unfriendly rejection~

i love you my friend

who's gone with the wind

i'll never ever forget you

it's really not funny

when you lose your bunny

and there's nothing that you can do

my heart is so sad

i'm silently mad

for this crappy unhappy scene

but who can i blame

the whole thing is lame

forgive me for being so mean

think think think...

When will I learn that all this thinking gets me nowhere. There are thinkers and there are doers. The doers don't always think, but the thinkers never do anything.

sleeping beauty...

Hannah is my little sleeping beauty. She makes her bed perfectly every day, and at bedtime she climbs into it ever so carefully and lies perfectly still. Sometimes Emmeli likes to sneak into her bed at night, but she is not so particular and ruffles up the bed. This aggravates Hannah to no end. Last night, after Hannah performed her usual ritual of removing Emmeli, she discovered that her bed was so completely disrupted that she would have to get up and re-make it so as to have a fresh start. After a great deal of trouble in the darkness, she abandoned the idea and, finding her own bed to be altogether hopeless and unfit, gathered what she needed for a temporary sleeping arrangement on Daniel's couch.

snowy snow...

Today I was reading to the children, and there was a place in the book where it started to snow. Snow was falling outside my window as well, and as the author so beautifully captured the experience it hit me how much the image she had created in my mind mirrored my thoughts of Snow (my daughter). It was a beautiful thing. I almost cried and had to stop reading for a minute to take it all in.

little whisper...

I had to blog about this sweet little thing that keeps happening to me. When Emmeli gets upset with me about something, if I hurt her feelings or she feels like I've treated her unfairly, some time after the event, so that I'm not at all expecting it, she will quietly come over to me & whisper in my ear something like, "Mom, it was not what you thought. I was doing whatever, because of something else that you were unaware of, and I feel that I've been wrongly accused." Well, not exactly those words in that order, but you understand what I'm saying. She doesn't come to me bawling or making a scene or throwing a tantrum. She literally whispers it in my ear. It makes my heart melt to see her acting so civilized.

my what big teeth you have...

Wow! All those vitamins must be doing some good! I feel marvelous!

we're at now now...

For the past several years my New Year's resolution has been to slow down the passage of time, but I've been completely unsuccessful until now. This year, I actually gave up & made no resolution. I secretly planned for the same, but felt a little hopeless. Surprisingly it seems that so far this year is progressing quite gradually & It's wonderful. I think one thing that makes time pass too quickly is ambition ...also expectation. It's very hard to let go of those things, but it's lovely living contentedly in the present.

acquiescence...

Why is it that we always want to be better than we are & what about contentment? It seems to me that I'm forever striving for this thing. More strife. It feels bad. I want to be light, cool, & graceful.

groping...

"life is full of choices, not making one at all is far worse than making the wrong one"

~ i gleaned that from an episode of Cyber Chase =)

love is...

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly"

~unknown

home remedy...

having a blog is almost as good as seeing a therapist. i love sitting down & trying to think of exactly what I'm trying to say & then sifting through images that say the same thing, very therapeutic.

cactus suit...

I think I just need a nice cactus suit that I can zip up in. Anyone know where I can get one of those?

snowmen...

Snow makes the most adorable snowmen. No kidding, she really has a talent, and she loves to make them. This Sunday when we were hiking she was carrying one around with her. Every time Ben stopped to take pictures, she would work on it, then when we started moving, she would pick it up & tromp through the woods with her little friend~so adorable. I'm looking at one of her little men right now. He's perched on the railing outside the living room window. =)

cod liver etc...

Cod liver, bee pollen, ginkgo biloba, St. John's wort, you name it, I'm taking it. I've been doing a lot of research about vitamins, minerals, & herbs and it's crazy how much stuff our bodies need to function properly. How many pills can a girl take?! Yesterday, I asked Daniel to get my vitamins out for me & he accidentally gave me the wrong thing, so while we were trying to identify the mystery pill, Hannah came in and said, "You know, your pills do all look alike. You might want to consider relabeling." (just like Kronk) It was classic.

sing lustily & with good courage...

One of my favorite things about Christmas is singing Christmas carols. Last year I bought some song books, so now I know the words. We're still singing Christmas carols around here. This morning Emmeli was trying to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas. There were three dancing hula girls in her version. *smile* But she remembers I saw Three Ships correctly. She loves that song. Of course, she just sings that first line over & over, but it's adorable. Today we will take down our lovely Christmas tree. I think this is the longest we have left it up. It will be sad to see it go, but enough is enough. "There's going to be another Christmas soon!" I think we need to make up a farewell to Christmas song.

Last year I bought a Celtic Christmas cd that I have wanted for years. It's out of print & last year I found a copy, but I didn't find it 'til late. It arrived after Christmas and I never listened to it, so I was really looking forward to listening to it this year. Can you believe that I never got it out? Christmas has been such a whirlwind this year! I'm planning to listen to it while we take down the tree today. Next year I hope things are not so busy. I really find joy in keeping things simple. I love shopping for people, but when you have a big family, it gets a little crazy. Next year I'm planning for more singing and less shopping. I can't wait. *smile*

tree ornaments etc...

Emmeli~ "You can't take down the Christmas tree! It's beautiful, and there's going to be another Christmas soon!"

heart to heart...

Tonight after having a heart-to-heart with Hannah, she said, "I love you Mama. You make me happy. You make my life really very good."

out with the old, in with the new...

Part of bringing in the new year is pushing away the old. This takes great skill. It requires grace and balance. Only the masters have achieved this great art.

be merry...

So I'm cheating and posting this for 12/25, because I never posted anything for Christmas. Merry Christmas!!! *smile* My theme for Christmas this year was BE MERRY. And it was very merry... chipper, cheerful, chirpy, and cheery. I don't know what I will do next year if I can't give everyone something silly. I think I've strarted something & I don't know if I can stop it.

sweetness...

Once upon a time...there was a sweet little girl who liked sweets. You might be thinking, what little girl doesn't like sweets, but this girl was obsessed with sweets. So when she grew up and reached the age that she could do whatever she wanted, she ate sweets all the time. She had sweets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She sang songs about sweets. She dreamt about sweets. She baked her own sweets, and of course she had her favorite sweet shops which she visited as often as she was able. One day, something changed inside of our sweet girl. It was a funny thing that is hard to explain. She started to get greedy about those sweets, and when she couldn't have them, she became angry. She wasn't as sweet as she once was and she wasn't as thankful as she once was. At first she wished to deny the change that she felt, but by and by the beast within could be contained no longer. She started to growl, and people didn't like it. As time went on, she noticed that growling could be very tiresome and that being friendless was very lonesome indeed. She tried to comfort herself with sweets. It's not too surprising that her anger began to fade and she became quite happy because of the sweets, but it was only temporary. The happiness didn't last, and she began to cry. The sad thing about this story is that there was no one to comfort the once sweet little girl, because she had scared everyone away. So, when she was all out of tears, she had to figure out what to do all by herself. She thought for a long time about how to stop the growling, because she was a smart girl, and she new that if she stopped growling, people would like her again. She had the idea that all of this came from liking sweets too much, but she was not sure what to do about it. She started to wish that she didn't like sweets so much, and as a result, all the shiny frostings and rich dark brown chocolates and beautifully colored candies started to lose their luster. As she thought of them, she let out a little growl. Then she began to think of her friends and her family and they all seemed rich and shiny and beautiful. And you know what? She wanted to sing songs about them. She wanted to go to sleep and dream about them. So that's what she did. When she woke up, she was a sweet little girl in a nice warm bed, and her mom was in the kitchen making breakfast. All the wonderful smells of real food filled her room and she was thankful. The End

gifts...

Christmas shopping has been fun, but I'll be glad when it's over. It really is too much.

happy happy joy joy...

Happy thoughts are coming... I can feel it. Stay tuned...

the year of the blog...

I can't believe I've actually done it! I've kept a journal for an entire year! Wow! ...and look, the April cat has its tail between its legs. How appropriate. =)

blank...

Sometimes I feel so ________. I know the thing that I want is what I already have, yet I feel like I'm still chasing after it. Sometimes I realize I've got it, but I don't know what to do with it. Sometimes I know what to do, and I can't make myself do it & then I feel sorry for missing the opportunity. Sometimes I really am ________.

glowing...

Tonight as I was tucking Emmeli in I said, "I'm so happy you're my daughter."

Emmeli, in her sweet, sleepy little voice...

"I'm so happy you're my mom. You do great things for me."

light as a feather...

Today is light. Ever notice how some days there is a heaviness about everything around you? I'm not talking about the pressures of life. It's more like gravity is fighting against you. It's probably simply due to lack of sleep or something, but anyway, it's awesome when the day is light and things come easily, without a struggle, when you feel empowered & infinitely stronger than your surroundings. Have you ever assumed that something was going to be really heavy & then when you mustered up the strength to lift it, it was as light as a feather? That is such a weird feeling.

storm...

Wow, this place is foaming with cuteness. And I'm not sure I like it. Too much fluff, even for this bunny lovin' mama. What's up with that? What has changed? What's going on inside this little head of mine and what's to be done about it? Ever feel like you need a thunderstorm?... or a slap in the face? Will somebody please smack me?

boys...

Yesterday as I was checking out Daniel's pants after he slid down the trunk of a tree, he said, "Mom, It's a boy's life. Jeans come and they go and then new jeans come and then they go."