I have found that sometimes I need to say something, even when I have nothing to say. Somehow this forced expression is like a thousand volt shock which, likely by way of humiliation, resets the natural rhythm of my heart and voice. Hello, things are flying out of your mouth which seem foreign and obscure, is this really what thou meanest to say? Good thing I'm only talking to myself.
Daniel- (shaking his head as he stands in awe of my nightly regimen of herbs) "You know, you could be a homeopath."
Me- (smiling, with raised eyebrows) "That's better than being a psychopath."
Daniel- "You could be both."
"Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel!"
~William Shakespeare
I often feel like I'm on a wave, or on skis, or on a rollercoaster or something like that. Something is hurtling me into the unknown and I'm hanging on for dear life, all the while reminding myself I can't stop it, so I might as well just let go and enjoy the ride. Well no matter how many times I tell myself that, I can't bring myself to let go. It's sad and pathetic, I know, to know what you need to do, a perfectly reasonable thing, & not be able to pull it off. Well, this is me & I'm not going to sit here & feel sorry for myself. Today is a new day & I'm still holding on, even if I am just being dragged along bumpity bump while everyone else goes darting about. The world has to have turtles too, you know. Not everyone can be a jack rabbit. The thing to remember is, turtles have shells. I never saw a rabbit with a shell, & trust me, sometimes they wish they had one.
She got hard head you know. She know don't nobody sing, but she no fear. She good in she heart, but she no lay down and be vex. She no sit and look out and be hongry for what she no can have. She heart be like pican's heart what fly from window. She know how God fix Jonah, how God be done make a road down in the sea. Death take him hand off pican heart. She got hard head you know.
I just wanted to say that I've been blogging so long now that I can't remember which pictures I've already used. So, if you think a picture looks familiar, it probably is. That is all...
There's snow on the ground this morning & there's still a little stream running next to the house from all of the rain we've been getting. Yesterday we thought we were going to float away & this morning it's so peaceful. I think I'm finally ready for winter.
Emmeli- "Our whole back yard is the world."
One day I was bragging about the map I made on Little Big Planet. It's a map of our yard and it looks like a fine folk art quilt. It's wonderfully bright, and real, and happy, and I'm very proud of it...
So we were talking about it, (we meaning me)
And Aimee was listening obediently,
When a little voice piped in somewhat dreamily,
(It was a little girl who is named Emmeli)
And she said, "Our whole back yard is the world, you see..."
Well this was spoken so matter-of-factily
We asked, "Do you mean the level on LBP?
Or perhaps you were just speaking generally?
And we found the reply from the sweet voice to be
"Indubitably! I spoke quite generally!"
I hope I make it through another year of blogging. Pictures abound, but I fear I am running out of words.
I spent the whole afternoon baking with Snow & Emmeli yesterday. Nothing really turned out, but the pies looked beautiful & it was sweet. Snow & I made a banana cream pie & Emmeli made a miniature "apple crisp pie." Hannah didn't help becauses she wasn't feeling well. She has a cold, so she watched SpongeBob in the playroom & talked to Aimee on the phone & came down to check on us periodically. I thought Snow looked like a picture with her hair pulled back and her sleeves pushed up to her elbows as she was surrounded by whisks and mixing bowls and measuring spoons and The Joy of Cooking. I looked at her & thought the image belonged on a bag of flour or in a fairytale. I learned that Emmeli loves the smell of dough, which is interesting. Yes, I want to attach "me" to that smell so that all through life when she's standing in her kitchen with her rolling pin she'll think of Mommy holding her hand and helping her make miniature pies when she was but a wee little kitten.
I've been having a super crappy morning so far today. In times like these, only my dog will do.
How do you explain something that was never meant to be explained? You don't. Welcome to our secret society where nobody makes any sense whatsoever. This brings much joy & laughter to society members, especially when precisely planned prattle is pronounced at the peak point of prime opportunity. King (or queen) of the moment, that's what you are. "Are you eating deodorant? That is soooo not nifty..."
Have you ever seen the movie 50 First Dates? If you haven't, I really hate to be the one to introduce you to it, because there are some really gnarly parts in that movie. That aside, it's one of my favorite movies of all time. In brief, it's a really sweet love story about a girl who has short term memory loss & how this guy spends every moment trying to get her to fall in love with him when she basically can't even remember who he is. So, the guy ends up making a video for her to wake up to every morning. It's like a wake up call every morning- this is you, this is where you are, this is what happened, you were in an accident, you have short-term memory loss, but I'm here, I love you, there's lots of beauty in your life, here are the highlights. As I watched this girl at the end of the movie, waking up to this video tape, I honestly felt like, you know, that's what I need. I've got a similar problem, a sort of brain damage, like I forget what's essential in life. I get wrapped up in this thing or that thing & I feel like, if I just had something to wake up to every morning, to set me straight so I don't go wandering about in circles, then life would be a breeze. Well because I'm such a scatter brain, this thought went just about as quickly as it came, not that I was going to go make myself a video tape or something... but this morning it came back to me so clearly. It was like Ego from Ratatouille when he took that first bite & was instantly a kid again right there in the moment where everything was so clear to him. It was simple. Noone has to translate what was going on there, if you saw it. I know, I'm a dork. I relate all of my deepest thoughts to kids' movies. (But that sound effect that they have in the movie right there in that scene, the kind of sound effect that you just can't put in a blog, that goes here too.) So something set me straight right from the start this morning just like that. And it wasn't food, & it wasn't coffee either. It wasn't a sound effect & it wasn't a cartoon, ok? It was a feeling, because that's what girls do. They feel. It was a feeling that only comes from hearing the right word at the right time. It was so essential to my life, because it is the essence of my life, this thing. And even though it's right there with me every moment, for some reason this morning it was like right in my face where I need it to be, beautifully radiant, shining, & warm, not unlike a splash of cold water. It was a faithful feeling that comes from faith, but not for faith's sake, for God's sake. Amen.
Round and round we go. I love the changing of the seasons. I love fall, but why does time have to go by so fast? Is this year really almost over? I wish I could stop it. Time, I mean. I always feel like time is passing me by. If I could only slow things down a bit, then maybe I could grab on. My kids are growing up so fast, that's the problem. Year after year, they just keep growing. There are dreams to be had, there are futures to behold, to be sure, but there's no need to rush to meet them. Today there's newness in the air. Newness is essential. Nowness is even more essential.
Ever feel like a certain song is like the theme song of your life? Well what if that song is about battling pink robots... is that weird?
They say misery loves company. I think that means, if you're miserable, you want people around you miserable as well. If you're in misery you don't want to see what a lovely time everyone else is having, right? Wrong. That's horrible! I'm giving new meaning to this phrase. Misery loves company- this means when April is feeling miserable, she wants people to say, "Oh you poor thing, how horrible that you feel like you have a piece of glass in your eye. I just don't know what i'd do if i had glass in my eye. There there everything's going to be o.k." Trust me, it's o.k. to be pathetic in this situation.
Wow! This morning i can't stop dancing! What's gotten into me? I think i must have swallowed some jumping beans by accident, or maybe one of those little green worms from James and the Giant Peach- you know, the ones that turn your life into a cartoon. Whatever it is, i don't mind. I love to dance- and when your life is a cartoon, it doesn't really matter who's watching. Isn't it funny though, same old morning, same old chai, same old music, yet something is different. I feel like a little wind up toy who couldn't stop dancing if she wanted to. Wahoo!
this is a sad story, but one i'd like to remember. yesterday, Snow & i went outside to deal with all of the ruined books that were pitched out of the basement window after the flood. we were cleaning up the mess, but we were also peeling apart wet pages to see if we might salvage any old illustrations, but let me start at the beginning... yesterday, before we went outside, i was doing some teacher planning for the new school year, & the kids helped me select an old (antique) book from the bookshelf for our u.s. history class. school history of the united states, written in 1897, perfect. exactly 35 chapters, which leaves one week for exams, even more perfect. as i thumbed through the pages to see what a typical school day might look like, i came across several footnotes which had more old books listed as suggestions for further reading on various topics. so, since most of these old books are usually listed in the archives online, i started searching & downloading a few, so as to have them ultra handy. i downloaded about three books, enough for us to be prepared for day one. one of the books was harder to find than the others. for some reason, the archives had vol. II of life and voyages of columbus, but no vol. I. i looked & looked, til finally i found it somewhere else & i won't go into all that, but the point is, i spent some time looking for it. that is why it was fresh on my mind when i happened to see it in the pile of sopping wet, ruined, old books outside my basement window later that day. It occured to me that this was a peculiar stroke of brendan luck, more like a sort of opposite of brendan luck. i'm not sure what to make of it.
Someone once told me that you are who you are & not who you want to be. I just want everyone to know that I am as sweet as my sweetest moment, just like the orange juice companies.
"In my world, everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!"
~ Dr. Seuss
more brendan luck! i think i must be the luckiest person there ever was! truthfully, i don't believe in luck, but that's another story for another time. saturday, we went to pick up our new saltwater aquarium, which was such an amazing deal that it's hardly believable. one of the many extras that came with it was a refractometer, and what do you suppose our science lesson was about today? i'll tell you-the transmission of light and refraction. what do you need to demonstrate refraction in action? a refractometer, ofcourse, & guess what? i just so happen to have one. in addition, i think we will need someone to demonstrate for us b/c Mommy has no idea how to use this thing. it's a good thing that Daddy is home sick today. see, i knew there was a reason we are about four weeks behind in physics. if we would have covered this chapter way back when, then we wouldn't be here where we are today with a refractometer & what not. amazing!
... So Hannah comes up to me with a list. "Wanna hear the ten reasons not to wear fluffy?" "Sure, what are they?"
So it turns out, I'm a very bad vegan-not bad because I'm a failure, but bad because I botched the whole thing up. Really I got along just fine for the first couple of months, no cravings really, except for the very occasional fleeting cheese withdrawals, but really one can only eat so many potato chips, hashbrowns, french fries, & tater tots. I know that's not how it's supposed to be, which is why I supplemented with plenty of soy products (They mimicked the real thing pretty darn well.) That was meant to be funny. I don't think eating soy for breakfast, lunch, & dinner is really healthy. I've always eaten plenty of vegetables, so that wasn't really a change for me, but anyway... blah blah blah. And I really mean blah. I was really starting to feel pretty blah too, but I know that was my fault. There are good vegans out there who get along just fine. The thing is, once I started to doubt what I was doing, it was all over-gumption gone. Once you take your eyes off the goal & start looking around, it's all too easy to trip over your own feet and find yourself tumbling head over heals down down down the green slope & splat! right into an egg burrito. Then to top it off you get up & make your embarrassing confession to your very close friend & find her laughing out loud. Well it's to be expected. I'm famous for these types of things. I sort of remind myself of the toad in Wind in the Willows, which is very sad indeed. Why can't I be more like Ratty who is just content to live a normal life? Well, well, well, here we are in a brand new day, not feeling to be any less of an activist, only I'm not so hungry, a little confused about which way to go, but just taking a breather & loading up on a few neglected treats in the meantime.
"Whether you get away, or whether you don't; whether you arrive at your destination or whether you reach somewhere else, or whether you never get anywhere at all, you're always busy, and you never do anything in particular; and when you've done it there's always something else to do, and you can do it if you like, but you'd much better not."
i just took a whole handful of herbs & i feel awesome! sick & tired of feeling sick & tired? the weak eateth herbs!
sometimes i miss cheese in the morning; that's all, nothing else, just cheese, & only in the morning.
There's sticky sweet honey dripping from the ceiling down onto the window ledge in Snow's room! When we first came out to look at this house, Ben & Snow noticed that there were honey bees hiving in the roof. (That's not a typo. I looked it up & hiving is a word. Love it =) makes me feel like Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Every word after that comes out with a British accent.) How they knew that they were honey bees from that far away I do not know, & I have to say that I thought it was wishful thinking since we knew that once we got settled into a house with some property, we wanted to raise bees; but I've learned to believe these two when they say these things, b/c they're usually right. Anyway, as Ben & Snow dreamed of smokers & protective clothing, I , of course, took it as a sign that this must be the house for us if they were indeed honey bees as some supposed them to be. Well sure enough, I was right about the house & Ben & Snow were right about the little bee people. As soon as the weather warmed up, golden deliciousness started seeping into Snow's room- like a gift from heaven. Of course it's not edible unless you wash it first. I have it on good authority that you can use soap, but then there's always the problem of trying to rinse it after that. For now, we just like to look at it. Snow has a doll sized glass perched on the ledge & it's almost full of gooey goodness. Rich amber liquid jewel drops keep drip dropping from above & the pretty pool sits there reflecting the light pouring in the window & the world keeps turning. What new wonder will we encounter today? Life is full to the brim with surprises.
Hannah wakes up to find me desperately searching the internet for deliverance. mo-squi-to-trap... She asks, "What's a mosquito trap, a piece of skin in a trap?" Then, calling out to any takers, she says, "Who'd like to donate? This might hurt a bit."
just hold on. we'll make it. you'll see. the sun will come out, then all the pretty rainbows. the clouds will part, the birds will sing, & again all will be right in the world. this dewy, drippy weather can't hold out forever..... can it?
"believing it is enough; in fact to believe yourself brave is to be brave; it is the one only essential thing." ~Joan of Arc, Mark Twain
quickly, because i don't have much time, i must tell of sweet Hannah's artful mind & mine own maladroitness. so, merry little Hannah likes to illustrate her final answers in math. it may be a turtle or a hippo, but it perfectly encloses the answer & makes a frolicsome display of an otherwise plain set of numbers. sometimes, however, practicable someones might discourage this practice, as it wastes valuable resources in the like of time allotted for finding sums. therefore, some answers are illuminated while others remain encircled in the usual fashion. today, as we set about to do-over misadventures & aright wrongs in the world of arithmetic, i was in the process of erasing what was assumed to be a conventional orb, though a bit lopsided, when a distraught voice cried out, "THAT IS MY BEST DRAWING EVER OF A TOOTH ATTACHED TO THE GUM!!!" ...well, if i had only known it was a tooth attached to the gum! i never detach teeth. i am a steadfast believer of leaving teeth firmly attached at at all cost. "sorry, hannah, i didn't know." hannah~ "i'd like to tell you... if it's not an ordinary circle, DON'T ERASE IT!"
"and i knew that they were all praying-as i was....that she would be enabled to word her message well, and with little stumbling, and so make a favorable impression here, where it would be so valuable and so important."
everything looks so different now. my clothesline looks dingy. it's sagging under the weight of wet blue jeans & littered with dark clothes which complement the grays & blues everywhere. my sunny dandelions recently switched to downy & they, too, look dim & wilted. their new bleached complexions, which looked so complementary to the bright loads of yesterday, have found their place in this ghostly scene. before long, i shall fold as well. a tisket, a tasket, a heavy laundry basket, muddy shoes, & a soggy dog.
the voices, colors, odors, and forms of summer were gone. the very face of things had changed...
falling back into our old routine of drinking hot cocoa & burning wood flooring in the fireplace. gotta love Michigan this time of year. on a positive note- i don't feel so bad that i'm a little late sowing some of my seeds since it feels like March. also, i guess i can be happy that i'm not spending half the day mowing when i should be catching up on school. ah yes! a blessing in disguise, that's what it is! hope everyone else is having a bright sunshiny day. cheers. =) Wow! that is one big foot!
can someone please tell me why i'm so excited about putting up a clothesline? yesterday our dryer broke & i went right out & bought bamboo clothes pins & a cotton clothesline from the hardware store. today the repair man came & it may be a week before the dryer is fixed! =) this is gonna be great! heading out right now to hang the laundry. =)
have you ever heard of a cat bird? i love these guys. they sound just like kittens stuck up in a tree. adorable!
dandelions aren't so bad. why do they get such a bad rap? they're bright & cute; & they're great natural indicator lights that let you know when it's time to mow. it's fun to watch their wee heads pop off when you're cutting the grass. i don't know why i like that- seems morbid, but i don't look at it that way. it's like popping the bubbles on bubble wrap. anyway, i'm at peace with the outsiders, even if they keep their dandy little lion heads on. lawns & life would be boring without them. they're edible you know. so if you ever lose your job & get really really hungry. you might see them in a different light.
Today, while helping me in the yard, Emmeli saw a perfect little puffball standing tall in a field of yellow proudly, patiently, waiting to be plucked; but it was wishful thinking for this wishholder as Emmeli casually observed, "Looks like King Dandelion's putting out more of his minions." =( Oh sweet innocence where have you gone!?!!!
i admit it. i'm a klingon. i hold onto things and can't let go. i do not change with ease from one thing to another. i cling to past times, old friends, special moments, familiar places... a tree, a face, a flavor. i may be predictable & over-familiar. in actuality these attachments make me needy & greedy, but i love you & i love this place. i can't, i won't let go. just a quick peek, then back you go, right into my heart, where you belong.
i have news for you... today is this day, not that other day. it's not to be dreaded nor anticipated with any amount of anxiety. we're at now now & it's going fast, so climb on in & get comfy.
ever feel like you just don't fit in? it's o.k. to be different, but sometimes you might just want to be the same. this may require a little leg work. certainly i don't mean that you should work on those awkward feeble attempts to be something you're not. sometimes you just have to break away & seek out your own kind. you may not know what you're looking for, but be free & follow your toes. you'll know when you've found it. you'll settle right in. no more awkward steps, just dancing. freedom & fresh air. joy & joviality. confidence & creativity. newness & no more weak ankles. you're beautiful & you're exactly who you were meant to be.
