tut-tut, it looks like rain...

Honestly, I was so gloomy on my birthday. I had a great morning scooting about town with Snow, but when we got home, the grey clouds moved in, literally and figuratively. Pure, raw emotion came streaming down, for no particular reason. At first I thought it might be a mid-life crisis, but I've already had one of those, maybe more than once. Anyway, once Ben got home & found me in that state, he sang, "It's my party & I'll cry if I want to," and laughed at me & tried with all his might to shine like the sun & conjure a birthday rainbow using the available elements. That was beautiful. Well I'm here to say that now that the dark spell has been lifted, it's sunny & clear & I just want to say, I feel so loved and it's a lovely feeling.

 

paper flowers...

All of my windows are pasted with magnificent paper flowers, soaking up the sun. Curious bugs, real blue skies, puffy clouds, and swaying trees complete the luminous backdrop. It's the most peculiar unity of opposites, wanting only a recording of birds to speak for the silent ones who fly behind the glass.

 

welcome fellow-travelers...

Stardate 4/24/2012: Today the little bee people will be arriving. I hope they prove to be friendly invaders and that we're able to extract the golden goo without casualty. There's no rush, ofcourse. We'll be watching and waiting.

 

“Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.”

 

a bird in the hand...

 

There's been a lot of talk about winning the lottery in these parts of late. I guess it's funny and call me simple, but I have no interest in winning great gobs of gold. I don't know why, but I've never wished to be rich (or famous). I think if I should ever have such a thing happen to me, I shall cry like the Wart when he pulled the sword from the stone, when Sir Ector & Kay so suddenly and unexpectedly perched themselves at his feet. Having said that, I have to admit that I've always felt that I was destined for some sort of greatness. Like all those reared under the tutelage of Walt Disney, I've anticipated a Cinderella moment, but in my heart it was never about the tiara. All of my hopes and dreams are rested in the prince and love and acceptance. That's all I have for today, but just that little mite of a word has made me mighty & I think I shall blog again one day.

 

the grass so little has to do...

The Grass so little has to do
A Sphere of simple Green
With only Butterflies to brood
And Bees to entertain

And stir all day to pretty Tunes
The Breezes fetch along
And hold the Sunshine in its lap
And bow to everything

And thread the Dews, all night, like Pearls
And make itself so fine
A Duchess were too common
For such a noticing

And even when it dies – to pass
In Odors so divine
Like Lowly spices, lain to sleep
Or Spikenards, perishing

And then, in Sovereign Barns to dwell
And dream the Days away,
The Grass so little has to do
I wish I were a Hay

~by Emily Dickinson

it's joyful & triumphant...

This morning I had a mini Christmas moment with Hannah & Emmeli. We were willingly transported into familiar surroundings of yule tide gaiety while making applesauce & apple muffins. The aroma of cinnamon & apples permeated the landes as we admired the long awaited snowy vistas, and without warning, a Peanut's song, stored on my ipod (not from A Charlie Brown Christmas, but from The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack) made its entrance into the scene and worked its magic. I gladly recieved this Christmas combo even if it was being delivered a little late, it was by all means necessary for the completion of winter, and now I can march confidently into spring being satisfied and wholly restored to what is a good and right and natural order of events.

power to the people...

“The Wart did not know what Merlyn was talking about, but he liked him to talk. He did not like the grown-ups who talked down to him, but the ones who went on talking in their usual way, leaving him to leap along in their wake, jumping at meanings, guessing, clutching at known words, and chuckling at complicated jokes as they suddenly dawned. He had the glee of the porpoise then, pouring and leaping through strange seas.”
~T.H. White, The Once and Future King

tree in the wood...

I like the Pixies and big snowflakes and cozy places and iced coffee and fingerless gloves- pretty typical for someone my age, I think. I never realized until now I was so main stream. I used to like oysters when I was little and that got me lots of attention, but now that I'm all grown up, I think I'd rather just like chocolate like everyone else. Yesterday, I realized that I really will be old one day & it bothered me a little. Youth is like a little flower & old age like a tree in the wood, both are beautiful, but I'm not sure how a flower turns into a tree. I've a feeling it gets all shriveled up somewhere in the process and I don't think I like that. I'm much too clingy to grow old gracefully like I always thought that I would. I'll probably be a very awkward grandma- listening to the Beastie Boys and drinking iced mochas in my fingerless gloves, but I have no intention of changing with the seasons, and that's all I have to say about that.

the bear swamp...

My last blog was a prelude to this one. While reading aloud from The Lay of the Land in class yesterday, a chapter titled "The Buzzard and the Bear Swamp," I was thinking about the ominous aspects of people who are not unlike forests with murky places. I was reminded of how forgiveness is the only way to preserve a lasting bond between friends, but the most intimate fellows don't even think of forgiveness because they are not offended. When you understand the natural world, the marsh is not "primeval, desolate, and forbidding." "Letting the light of day into the deepest of its recesses," you "slip to and fro as a shadow" unmuddied and unscathed because you "know it well," "its gloomy depths, its silent streams, its hollow stumps, its trails, and its haunting mysteries." There's no need for courage. If you love the forest, you'll be undaunted face to face with the "Bear Swamp."

 

pocketful of posies...

I am a thinker, a premeditator, a ponderer. That is not to say that any great and wondrous thoughts are produced in this fertile mind, but there are many things growing and thriving here. Some are beautiful, many are wild. I don't really know if this kind of prolific mind is desirable. All of this thinking can be very distracting and exhausting, especially when there are more fruitful endeavors in want of more attention. When I'm reading a book, my mind is so busy crafting analogies and reading between the lines that it's as if I'm reading two books at once; and if I'm not reading a book, it's as if I am, and it's always the same book of poetic philosophy. Anyway, there's nothing to be done about it. I've always been this way. In truth, I'm happy to be the ground where wildflowers grow. My wanderings are like dear little friends and I'd be loth to part with them. Is it safe to trust these little suckers, cute as they are? They've taken over a good portion of my brain already. Am I too much in my own head; and if this is the way that it's to be, then what good can come of it? What is my purpose as an affectionate weed farmer?

defrocked...

So Daniel has started a family newsletter. Should I be afraid? Here's a copy of an article from his first issue. It's called Tooth or Fraud...

The question has always been asked by young children when they lose a tooth, "Will the tooth fairy come tonight?" Startling new evidence has appeared that the tooth fairy in question is a fairy who was laid off by Fairy Inc. The fairy in question is actually fairy number 13520 of work group 12z. She was laid off by her boss for being late almost every time.
"She was such a good fairy, but one day she started only doing part time so she could work for a school, ever since she hasn't been the same."
All of this matches with why teeth have been left under pillows and have not disappeared like they should. An interview with a victim named Emmeli gives more insight into the matter. Emmeli, what do you have to say about the tooth fairy?
"Booooo! The tooth fairy never came to get my tooth, now it is lost in my bed."
And what do you have to say about the money swing the tooth fairy gives?
"My Mom told me that the longer the tooth stays the more money you get, now that my tooth is lost, it will have to stay longer."
Is Mom an expert on the tooth fairy?
"I don't know, but what I do know is that Mom said that when she found the tooth fairy she would tell it to come that night, but she never came."
Thank you for your time.
We will now get an exclusive interview with Emmeli's sister, Hannah. Hannah, what do you have to say about the tooth fairy not coming for people's teeth?
"Well Emmeli's tooth is missing. Anyway, Mom says the tooth fairy is on vacation...a very long vacation."
And what do you have to say about this very long vacation?
"I think she just doesn't want to do her job anymore. I'm not sure what she's up to, really, maybe she got sick on her vacation and isn't sick anymore, but is still on vacation."
Thank you. There you have it folks. A tooth fairy gone odd- leaving victims of the tooth fraud- who really is the tooth fairy?

a traipsing, gallivanting, meanderer...

I'm feeling very vulnerable in regards to my writing today for some reason. I almost feel like someone may read this, not that my usual someones don't count, but I know that my favourites won't judge me. Noone knows what those other eyes might think. Anyway, I have to make an honest confession, because this truth is aching to be told. I have, and always have had, for as long as I can remember, a seriously mysterious affinity for gypsies. I think if my life had been different I would be a gypsy, even now, only I wouldn't be the superstitious, thieving sort that you may have read about in books. I once took a personality test which revealed that if I had lived in Medieval Times, I would've been a traveling minstrel. I put great stock in that test. It had pages of questions, so it was very thorough, and it rightly pegged my dear friend who was to have been the prime minister, as I know she would have been. Anyway, I liked the outcome, though I'm not sure they got it quite right, because I don't know of any musical talents as of yet. I think if there had only been a little deeper investigation, accompanied by a proper understanding of the facts, the like would have proved me to be, quite simply, a traveling nomadic bohemian wanderer, or gypsy as they are called. I'm well aware that such a life is far more beautiful in a picture or a movie, which is why that role is for another time, and another me- the me that didn't make it to here and now, because in this life it was never meant to be.

May you be brave, and have the strong head to think with, and the strong heart to love with, and the strong hands to work with, and the strong feet to travel with, and always come home to your own.
(a gypsy's blessing- taken from Five Children and It- a perfectly delightful book for small people)

freedom riders...

Freedom is a great motivator. I've always secretly thought myself to be a bit rebellious, maybe I am, but what lead me to this idea is that, often if someone tries to tell me to do something that I'm already doing or planning to do, it strangles the idea right out of me. I'm completely dead. Well, based upon new evidence, I'm changing this idea about myself. Who doesn't gasp at the idea of being trapped in a cage, perched on a little wooden dowel, consuming limited assigned rations, and repeating the same catch phrases day after day? Recently I started letting the kids get up as early as they like to get their independent school work done, so that they can finish early and have some free time. They're allowed to do school in their pj's, before breakfast, before they make their beds, whatever... Wow! Look at them go! It's not that they were rebelling against the system before. It was just stifling them, sucking the life right out of them, and I know the feeling. Be free little birds... fly free and take me with you.

moving on...

So it has happened, as I knew it would, all of the colour has gone out of this world; but as in winter, we see a new kind of beauty and absence makes the heart grow fonder.

rodeo clown...

Life is a bucking bronco, untamable, unabated, unabashedly unbridled. If I were a clown, I'd dress up real fancy, and paint on a happy face. But I'm not a clown, so I'll just watch from here.

sounds crazy, no?...

I have no idea what to say this morning. I just wanted to say something, for no particular reason- probably because I want to color a picture, or because posting often generates an email response from one or more of my favorite people in the world. Good morning fan club! I love you all! On a side note- the whole fam watched Fiddler on the Roof last night. We stayed up 'til 11 on a school night to finish it. I just love that flick. It's sad, but I love it. I've been singing in my head all morning and I want a fiddle. Ciao (Shalom).

a nice surprise...

Grading Snow's grammar lesson from September :) I found a sweet message just for me. When asked to list some adjectives which describe 'what kind of' teacher, she wrote amazing, wonderful, sweet teacher... "i love you mom." I feel special. A++

a happy arrangement...

I don't often sing the praises of homeschooling, because let's face it, not everyone can homeschool, but on this day, at this time, I can hardly help myself, so make way. Today, Snow & Emmeli sat side by side in the sunshine on our beautifully green lawn to do a nature study. They looked so sweet sitting there, and I just watched them for a minute and appreciated how fortunate we are. It dawned on me that if my kids were in school, they would hardly ever see each other. I often selfishly rejoice that my kids are always home with ME, but today, it struck me that they're also together with each other, experiencing life, learning about the world, and growing up together. Emmeli and Snow were like two peas in a pod today, staring intently into the trees, watching for birds as they held journals in their laps and sported jacket hoods on their backs. It was a single moment in time, cherishable, irreplaceable, a once in a lifetime opportunity and we captured it.

moonshine...

Such a lovely moon last night! Yesterday we went hiking and we got a really late start, so about halfway thru the hike, the sun went out. We had headlamps so it was o.k., but you hardly needed a lamp because the moon was so bright. We made so much noise tromping through the sleeping forest in our heavy winter boots, but we were plenty warm and all was pleasant. The moon really was amazing. It's impossible to find the right words for these wonders of nature, but trust me there were things going on up there which were unusually fantastic. The moon had an aura about it which radiated more than the usual batch of colors, and at first glimpse I knew we were meant to be late, that the car keys were intentionally hid and the children were purposefully intollerant of their too tight gloves, mismatched snowsuits, and missing hats. Isn't it wonderful how these things work out. They always do work out, one way or another.

let's set the record straight...

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. ~Marcus Aurelius

vagary...

"Waitress, you've got your foot in my linguini." "That's okay, these are new shoes."

wake up...

Today is a day for waking- a day for sitting (with my friend Irene) and sipping (cafe aulait), but also a day for running (errands) and skating (skate boarding in the basement), laughing (out loud in whole foods at the silly notes that Daniel snuck into my grocery list) and hugging (Hannah tightly), listening (to Robert Downey Jr. - he talks so fast) and watching (The Soloist). It is not a day for lying prostrate with dreams of oatmeal. This was my thought this morning as I showered and remembered last night's dream where I went shopping for oatmeal. I had planned to jump (on the trampoline) not skate, and I planned to read (lots of books for school) not watch (The Soloist), but it all turned out okay. It was a beautiful day.

happy new year...

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love
and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.
- Henry Van Dyke

dilemma...

There's something I've been wanting to say for some time, but have not been able to conjure the wit and intelligence to do it justice. This unventilated sentiment waylayed for so long yields raw emotions now bordering on the dramatic. But nevertheless, until I spit this thing out, I fear I shall chafe inwardly for all eternity if, for no other reason, because I refuse to be the murderous villain of a spritely piece of soul that wants nothing more than to be free in the world. I think that giving voice to fleeting passions lends credence to a piece of humanity that ought not to be left unattended, but making something tangible out of a smithereen of your own God-given spirit is an art, a fascinating, exhilerating challenge. So, I've dreamed up an idea and can not quite put it to use, and it's trapped inside myself like a taunting germ. It's compellingly effectual, but who's to know it when it cannot be seen or heard? That is the dilemma, the unmitigable, enigmatic, perplexity of self expression.

fixity...

I wonder what life will be like when we're no longer limited by time. This will be one of the greatest prizes of Heaven, a notable benefit for slow readers, and a sanction for endless distractions.

house of cards...

I have found that sometimes I need to say something, even when I have nothing to say. Somehow this forced expression is like a thousand volt shock which, likely by way of humiliation, resets the natural rhythm of my heart and voice. Hello, things are flying out of your mouth which seem foreign and obscure, is this really what thou meanest to say? Good thing I'm only talking to myself.

concession...

Daniel- (shaking his head as he stands in awe of my nightly regimen of herbs) "You know, you could be a homeopath."

Me- (smiling, with raised eyebrows) "That's better than being a psychopath."

Daniel- "You could be both."

friendly advice...

"Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel!"
~William Shakespeare

perspicacity...

I often feel like I'm on a wave, or on skis, or on a rollercoaster or something like that. Something is hurtling me into the unknown and I'm hanging on for dear life, all the while reminding myself I can't stop it, so I might as well just let go and enjoy the ride. Well no matter how many times I tell myself that, I can't bring myself to let go. It's sad and pathetic, I know, to know what you need to do, a perfectly reasonable thing, & not be able to pull it off. Well, this is me & I'm not going to sit here & feel sorry for myself. Today is a new day & I'm still holding on, even if I am just being dragged along bumpity bump while everyone else goes darting about. The world has to have turtles too, you know. Not everyone can be a jack rabbit. The thing to remember is, turtles have shells. I never saw a rabbit with a shell, & trust me, sometimes they wish they had one.

every man heart lay down...

She got hard head you know. She know don't nobody sing, but she no fear. She good in she heart, but she no lay down and be vex. She no sit and look out and be hongry for what she no can have. She heart be like pican's heart what fly from window. She know how God fix Jonah, how God be done make a road down in the sea. Death take him hand off pican heart. She got hard head you know.

schlockmeister...

I just wanted to say that I've been blogging so long now that I can't remember which pictures I've already used. So, if you think a picture looks familiar, it probably is. That is all...

little snowman...

There's snow on the ground this morning & there's still a little stream running next to the house from all of the rain we've been getting. Yesterday we thought we were going to float away & this morning it's so peaceful. I think I'm finally ready for winter.

worldliness...

Emmeli- "Our whole back yard is the world."

One day I was bragging about the map I made on Little Big Planet. It's a map of our yard and it looks like a fine folk art quilt. It's wonderfully bright, and real, and happy, and I'm very proud of it...

So we were talking about it, (we meaning me)
And Aimee was listening obediently,
When a little voice piped in somewhat dreamily,
(It was a little girl who is named Emmeli)
And she said, "Our whole back yard is the world, you see..."

Well this was spoken so matter-of-factily
We asked, "Do you mean the level on LBP?
Or perhaps you were just speaking generally?
And we found the reply from the sweet voice to be
"Indubitably! I spoke quite generally!"

scapegoat...

Happy Thanksgiving to my sweet, absent friend. I know it was the goats that kept you!

perennial pedagogue...

"When I get kids, Mom, I'm going to ask you to teach them." ~Emmeli

hanging on...

I hope I make it through another year of blogging. Pictures abound, but I fear I am running out of words.

three little kittens...

I spent the whole afternoon baking with Snow & Emmeli yesterday. Nothing really turned out, but the pies looked beautiful & it was sweet. Snow & I made a banana cream pie & Emmeli made a miniature "apple crisp pie." Hannah didn't help becauses she wasn't feeling well. She has a cold, so she watched SpongeBob in the playroom & talked to Aimee on the phone & came down to check on us periodically. I thought Snow looked like a picture with her hair pulled back and her sleeves pushed up to her elbows as she was surrounded by whisks and mixing bowls and measuring spoons and The Joy of Cooking. I looked at her & thought the image belonged on a bag of flour or in a fairytale. I learned that Emmeli loves the smell of dough, which is interesting. Yes, I want to attach "me" to that smell so that all through life when she's standing in her kitchen with her rolling pin she'll think of Mommy holding her hand and helping her make miniature pies when she was but a wee little kitten.

good samaritan...

I've been having a super crappy morning so far today. In times like these, only my dog will do.

secret society...

How do you explain something that was never meant to be explained? You don't. Welcome to our secret society where nobody makes any sense whatsoever. This brings much joy & laughter to society members, especially when precisely planned prattle is pronounced at the peak point of prime opportunity. King (or queen) of the moment, that's what you are. "Are you eating deodorant? That is soooo not nifty..."

splendid...

God is good. No particular reason, those are just the facts...

glowing, gleaming poppy-land...

Have you ever seen the movie 50 First Dates? If you haven't, I really hate to be the one to introduce you to it, because there are some really gnarly parts in that movie. That aside, it's one of my favorite movies of all time. In brief, it's a really sweet love story about a girl who has short term memory loss & how this guy spends every moment trying to get her to fall in love with him when she basically can't even remember who he is. So, the guy ends up making a video for her to wake up to every morning. It's like a wake up call every morning- this is you, this is where you are, this is what happened, you were in an accident, you have short-term memory loss, but I'm here, I love you, there's lots of beauty in your life, here are the highlights. As I watched this girl at the end of the movie, waking up to this video tape, I honestly felt like, you know, that's what I need. I've got a similar problem, a sort of brain damage, like I forget what's essential in life. I get wrapped up in this thing or that thing & I feel like, if I just had something to wake up to every morning, to set me straight so I don't go wandering about in circles, then life would be a breeze. Well because I'm such a scatter brain, this thought went just about as quickly as it came, not that I was going to go make myself a video tape or something... but this morning it came back to me so clearly. It was like Ego from Ratatouille when he took that first bite & was instantly a kid again right there in the moment where everything was so clear to him. It was simple. Noone has to translate what was going on there, if you saw it. I know, I'm a dork. I relate all of my deepest thoughts to kids' movies. (But that sound effect that they have in the movie right there in that scene, the kind of sound effect that you just can't put in a blog, that goes here too.) So something set me straight right from the start this morning just like that. And it wasn't food, & it wasn't coffee either. It wasn't a sound effect & it wasn't a cartoon, ok? It was a feeling, because that's what girls do. They feel. It was a feeling that only comes from hearing the right word at the right time. It was so essential to my life, because it is the essence of my life, this thing. And even though it's right there with me every moment, for some reason this morning it was like right in my face where I need it to be, beautifully radiant, shining, & warm, not unlike a splash of cold water. It was a faithful feeling that comes from faith, but not for faith's sake, for God's sake. Amen.

the beauty of today...

Round and round we go. I love the changing of the seasons. I love fall, but why does time have to go by so fast? Is this year really almost over? I wish I could stop it. Time, I mean. I always feel like time is passing me by. If I could only slow things down a bit, then maybe I could grab on. My kids are growing up so fast, that's the problem. Year after year, they just keep growing. There are dreams to be had, there are futures to behold, to be sure, but there's no need to rush to meet them. Today there's newness in the air. Newness is essential. Nowness is even more essential.

i know she can beat them...

Ever feel like a certain song is like the theme song of your life? Well what if that song is about battling pink robots... is that weird?

misery loves company...

They say misery loves company. I think that means, if you're miserable, you want people around you miserable as well. If you're in misery you don't want to see what a lovely time everyone else is having, right? Wrong. That's horrible! I'm giving new meaning to this phrase. Misery loves company- this means when April is feeling miserable, she wants people to say, "Oh you poor thing, how horrible that you feel like you have a piece of glass in your eye. I just don't know what i'd do if i had glass in my eye. There there everything's going to be o.k." Trust me, it's o.k. to be pathetic in this situation.

dervishness...

Wow! This morning i can't stop dancing! What's gotten into me? I think i must have swallowed some jumping beans by accident, or maybe one of those little green worms from James and the Giant Peach- you know, the ones that turn your life into a cartoon. Whatever it is, i don't mind. I love to dance- and when your life is a cartoon, it doesn't really matter who's watching. Isn't it funny though, same old morning, same old chai, same old music, yet something is different. I feel like a little wind up toy who couldn't stop dancing if she wanted to. Wahoo!

sad but true...

 

this is a sad story, but one i'd like to remember. yesterday, Snow & i went outside to deal with all of the ruined books that were pitched out of the basement window after the flood. we were cleaning up the mess, but we were also peeling apart wet pages to see if we might salvage any old illustrations, but let me start at the beginning... yesterday, before we went outside, i was doing some teacher planning for the new school year, & the kids helped me select an old (antique) book from the bookshelf for our u.s. history class. school history of the united states, written in 1897, perfect. exactly 35 chapters, which leaves one week for exams, even more perfect. as i thumbed through the pages to see what a typical school day might look like, i came across several footnotes which had more old books listed as suggestions for further reading on various topics. so, since most of these old books are usually listed in the archives online, i started searching & downloading a few, so as to have them ultra handy. i downloaded about three books, enough for us to be prepared for day one. one of the books was harder to find than the others. for some reason, the archives had vol. II of life and voyages of columbus, but no vol. I. i looked & looked, til finally i found it somewhere else & i won't go into all that, but the point is, i spent some time looking for it. that is why it was fresh on my mind when i happened to see it in the pile of sopping wet, ruined, old books outside my basement window later that day. It occured to me that this was a peculiar stroke of brendan luck, more like a sort of opposite of brendan luck. i'm not sure what to make of it.

 

no sugar added...

Someone once told me that you are who you are & not who you want to be. I just want everyone to know that I am as sweet as my sweetest moment, just like the orange juice companies.

it's a beautiful life...

"In my world, everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!"
~ Dr. Seuss

not-so-little lamb...

it warms my heart when my dog comes in and lies down on the hard wood floor next to my feet. he has a nice soft bed in the next room, but he chooses me.

grasshopper explosion...

"heat- 10%, mosquitoes-5%, grasshoppers-100%!"  ~Emmeli