subdued apprehensive noncomformist...

"Often she fled from the wild beasts, forgetting that she was now a wild beast herself; and, bear as she was, was afraid of the bears."

 

apocalypse guru...

I don't really want to write about this, I just liked the title, but I'm just going to go with it. Since this year could very well mark the end of the world, let's talk about it. Have you ever looked up the word apocalypse? In Webster, it's defined as a cosmic cataclysm in which God destroys the ruling powers of evil. (We're just going with that definition for now.) So here's the burning question... Why are people so afraid of that?

old but new...

So I originally wrote this blog just before Christmas, but I never posted it. Today I decided to blog something (sort of a forced blog); and when I opened my app, I found this old blog here. I thought it was kind of sweet so I'm posting it. I think somewhere about half-way through, I knew I was just going to delete it, so I just kept rambling to see if I could somehow get inspired to write something worthwhile. So being that no one was ever meant to read this, this is kind of a treat for you. At the same time, it may serve as an explanatory apology as to why I haven't been blogging lately, namely because all efforts have been rather unsatisfactory. It may be interesting to note that today "I have nothing to write" just as I stated at the beginning of this old blog here, & I may very well have started today's blog in the same fashion. Also I am still dreaming about my bookshop. In fact, I've been working on an old book project non-stop for the past three days. (When I say non-stop, what I mean is that I do stop sometimes, but not very often.) We've been talking about talking in absolutes & exaggerations around here lately and how we should probably stop, but I'm sure I won't. Some people feel a need to romanticize and I think it's safe to include me in that general category. Those other people who live here may try to stop, but I doubt they will succeed. Incase you are wondering, the old book project I am working on is me categorizing all of our old books into a searchable database. It's pretty cool. So anyway, here's the blog. Ben finished my picture by the way. It's awesome! I love it so much. Anybody who wants to see it can email me & I'll send him/her a real live photo of it. Enjoy...

I have nothing to write. But sometimes even when you don't feel like writing, you just have to write something, even if you just embarrass yourself, even if you mispell words and use incorrect grammar. Because if you don't, and if you worry too much about what other people think, then you just become a clam, clammy & cold & hidden. Ben is painting me a picture. It's Albrecht Durer's Young Hare. It's one of my favorite paintings & I'm posting a copy of it here. My puppy just came in the room. He's so sleepy. It's 8am, but he slept in today. He usually gets up with me around 7, but this morning I was up before 5:30 & he wanted nothing to do with it. I really really have nothing to say, so let's just start the newsreel. It's almost Christmas. (My sleepy puppy has just decided to go back to sleep.) The fire is dying. The sun is a bright orange fireball, florescent orange, looking exceptionally trendy this morning. There's snow everywhere & the orange sun is casting a pinkish haze on the frosty trees. Next to the sky blue sky, I have to admit this is not my favorite combo. I never have been a fan of pink & blue together. I just want to swirl it around with the white snow & make lavender. The sun really is amazing though! but I'm trying not to stare because it's rude. Just outside my window there are several brown leaves still clinging to some low branches & I want to go outside & pluck them off. And now I'm completely distracted. K. The news. The kids have all been busy making Christmas presents, well almost all. Ben recently put up some barn beams in the house & they look awesome. Hannah & Em helped me clear all of the antiques out of the basement room & we're planning to make a sort of indoor fort down there. I wrapped all of my Christmas presents in red & black this year & they look awesome. We have a live tree. It is adorable. This year we have an Advent wreath. As we count down to Christmas, we light a new candle each week; & we read a section of the Christmas story each night (not just the story about wise men and angels, but the whole Christmas story starting with Adam & Eve & the promise to Abraham & prophesy, etc...). It's pretty neat. Ben plays guitar & we sing caroIs. Okay, this is unrelated, sort of, but I just remembered something. I think I have a new dream. I used to think I wanted to grow up & be a coffee pedlar or a photographer, but now I think I want to be a bookseller. Maybe I will have an adjoining coffee shop, kind of like a borders for used books. There's an old bookshop downtown and I want it, the whole messy place. I want to organize it & shelve it and sit behind the counter & wait to see who will come in; & if no one comes in, then I'll just read or work on my window display. I think this is the best way to grow old, in a bookstore with snow on the ground, and a coffee shop nearby.

 

fandom...

Last night I saw a movie & I had a dreadful thought. The movie man, aside from his character in the film, somehow holds a special place in my heart; and I thought, He's getting old. He may die soon. How tragic to think that one day he may be gone. The next rational thought came. You don't know this person. But I do. I do know him. I know him in many ways much more than I know the people that I see, for instance, at church. Some may be thinking, that is tragic- to feel more linked to a person on a screen than real live people. But the fact is that real people, face to face people, don't put themselves out there for all the world to see. They hide. In many ways, this person is also hidden from me. I've never sought to learn anything about his real life. I've never looked to see if he has a family, where he lives, what his hobbies are. That would just be weird. But whenever he comes to town, I always go to see what he is up to & I've never been disappointed. Like a poet or a painter or an amazing musician, I just admire him & this place for admiration in my heart will feel a little vacant when he goes. Seems weird, but I'm glad I can be open with you & not ashamed of the little thoughts I think. I guess as a small consolation I know I can always re-watch his films. Interesting to think that I will somehow feel a loss even though I will have really lost nothing. Nothing will have changed. The person I knew, the person I know now, will always be right where I left him, right where I last saw him, always available, yet I anticipate that a light will go out. This is an interesting phenomenon. By definition, that means it can not be reasoned out. It's just a feeling I have, a sense that touches on humanity and I'm sharing it with you. I wonder if we will have theater in Heaven. Surely we will... and books, and paintings, it's absolutely certain in my mind. I've just never thought of it before. I mean, the Bible talks of feasting... what about dinner and a movie? They're almost inseparable. And God is an artist. I just can't imagine heaven without art. Wow! "To die will be an awfully big adventure."

*quote is by Peter Pan; movie is The book Thief; noteable figure is Geoffrey Rush; dog in the picture is Lassie

 

just as i suspected...

I just remembered. Yesterday I had an idea for a blog, but then I forgot it. I know I've blogged about this before, but I have to remind myself when these things happen. So yesterday, we did a biology lesson that we were supposed to have completed last June. So we finally got around to it & it just so happened that what we learned in that science lesson touched on some things that we're currently discussing in some of our other classes. Also, the lesson explained a term that one of the kids recently used incorrectly which I desperately wanted to correct in the most intelligent way possible. Not to be tedious, but I really must explain, at least a little. About five years ago, we bought a microscope with prepared slides. We tried it out when we first got it, had some trouble with the lenses/ couldn't really see anything, & as a result put it away and I can't remember getting it out again until yesterday. Hold that thought. Now, yesterday we finally moved out of the chemistry section of our science book and into biology, which, as I mentioned, was supposed to take place in June. I had no idea what the first lesson would be, but I happened to have out our microscope because we're reading a biography of Antony Van Leeuwenhoek which is scheduled for this term. (Leeuwenkoek was the first to observe & record single-celled organisms under a microscope.) I won't attempt to explain every little detail about how all of this fits together, as this is really just a note-to-self, but you can see where I must be going with all of this. Obviously, it makes perfect sense to study biology while learning about the world's first microbe hunters. What you may not know is that a couple of days ago Daniel called me a single-celled chromosome, (unless he happened to send you a message from my personal email account in which he shared our private correspondence). I'm sure that you realize that it is impossible for me to be a single-celled chromosome as there is no such thing, but he now knows that he could have called me a single-celled paramecium or possibly a single-celled bacterium, although he still would have been incorrect. Speaking of kind words, that leads me to devotions. Yesterday we talked about being created in the image of God & in this science lesson we touched on that topic as well. We discussed how, while studying biology, we'll be covering the theory of evolution and how that relates to what we believe about the beginnings of life. So in order to keep things short & sweet, I'll leave you to connect the dots & see how all these lessons fit together. For myself, it's obvious that all of my concern about being "behind" in our science lessons was for not, because it is most obvious that this lesson had to wait 'til it's appointed time. It was the missing link that connected all of these other bits of learning. Sure I could have looked ahead and ordered tissue samples to look at as we discussed complex organisms & their tissues for our intro to biology; I could have coordinated a devotional study to discuss the idea of being made in the image of God and how that relates to the general theory of evolution; I could have done some research to find out who the "father of microbiology" was & planned to read his biography while learning about single celled organisms; I could have gotten out a dictionary to prove to Daniel that he needed to brush up on his insults. I could have done all of those things, but the fact is, I didn't.

 

great day in the morning...

I love drinking chai/coffee just as the sun is coming up. I wake up to a dark room with dark windows, so I focus on the task at hand. I sit down with my cup & sip sip sip, then suddenly I look up and the sky is bright and I'm awake all at once. It's like magic.

 

just to name a few of my quirks...

Responses to me asking, "Hey, you there... What are some of my quirks?"

Daniel~ "Really, that's a good way to get grounded."

"Sometimes out of nowhwere you get really playful, I like that quirk, I think that's an awesome quirk."~Snow

"What's a quirk?" ~Emmeli

"A quirk? You are a quirk." ~Hannah

Ben~ "I know better."

I like the names Millicent, Maximillian, & Magnus; bunnies make me happy, (they don't have to be real bunnies, just bunnies); most of the things that make me happy, also make me sad somehow. These things are kind of quirky, I guess. These things are not strange or odd, but I don't really know the why about them, and I guess that's what makes them quirks in my mind. Millicent is kind of a weird name. Why do I like it? I guess the truth is, my biggest quirk is that I like things that are quirky. I wrote this blog because Daniel, out of nowhere, gave me this title & said it would make a nice blog title. Now here I am, stuck, with nothing to say. I immediately opened my writing pad hoping Daniel & I could do a little group writing project together, but Daniel acquiesced. Smart boy. Snow caught wind of the idea & opened her writing notebook as well. We're proud of our quirks here. If you don't have quirks, then what do you have? One of Snow's quirks is that she usually only brushes one side of her head when she brushes her hair. (She gave me permission to write that.) Now that is a true quirk, not like liking bunnies. I mean, who doesn't like bunnies? I guess the thing about quirks is that you can't announce your own. You just can't. So I guess Daniel was right, it makes a great blog title, but he was right again when he bailed. You really can't blog about your own quirks, or at least you shouldn't.

 

collectables...

I'm greedy.... greedy, grasping, covetous. This is why I like mushrooms and words and finger puppets and every other kind of collectable, why I want coffee every morning and why I collect quotes on Pinterest. This is why I want my dog to have puppies, why I want more kids, why I have a garden. Collectable. Friends, moments, feelings, they're all collectable, & I want more. I always want more. This is not my favorite thing about myself.

 

mice are people too...

This image is from the storybook Mary's Marvelous Mouse. There's another story which you may know called The Lion and the Mouse, where a little mouse is a good Samaritan. In fact there are many many stories where mice are sweet and smart, and your mother probably read you those stories when your little brain was still developing, and so in this way you were probably brainwashed as a child into thinking that mice deserve to live. Let me refresh your memory with a few more... Dr. De Soto (who is by the way a dentist), Frederick, Stuart Little, Alexander from Alexander and the Wind-Up Mouse, & more recently, Despereaux. Beatrix Potter wrote about mice all the time. On screen there are the little mice in Cnderella, the little French-speaking baby mouse from Tom & Jerry, & poor sick little Timmy in The Secret of Nimh. So, to get to the point, I think to go through a sort of crisis of conscience when it comes time to rid your house of these darling creatures is quite normal. Our preferred method of removal is to trap the little buggers & escort them out into the wild where they might have a chance at meeting some nice country fellow who will have them in for tea. Recently, we unknowingly sent away someone's mum in this way. There were actually several someones, and they all showed up in the basement wondering where she was when she never came home from the family grocery one morning. So, although I've admittedly grown a little callous towards these fellows after 3 years of catch & release, I have to say, at the sight of these uber tiny, helpless, little orphans (who had fur by-the-way), I've had a temporary change of heart. Nearing the end of my little excerpt, as I will hastily wrap up all that I wanted to say (as I am now out of time), we have the little cuties all tucked in and are now feeding them homemade oat milk round-the-clock with a paintbrush. Their names are irrelevant, but they do have names; nonetheless, they will be staying only until we get them all fitted out with backpacks and what-not, so they can make their journey out into the wild to find their mother. The end.

 

friends in high places...

Hello blog... just stopping by to say hello. Yesterday was Ben & Hannah's date night. They had dinner together, watched some artsy version of Aladdin, ate ice cream, & went for a late night walk down our unlit country road. I know they saw some bats and looked at the stars, but other than that I can't say much about it, because I wasn't invited. ^_^ Daniel, Snow, Emmeli, & I all watched Shirley Temple. Daniel really likes the Shirley Temple movies, which I think is pretty cute. He did purposely look for one that had guns in it though. Kinda weird, huh, sitting down to watch Shirley Temple & reading the descriptions to find which cute little movie with the cute little girl has some sort of battle scene in it? 0_O Well, you can't have a battle scene without someone dying, and someone did die. It was Shirley's friend (a Scottish general) & he was so sweet. It was kind of sad, but I know he didn't really die, because it was just a movie. Anywho, the kids wondered why I thought the guy was Scottish. He was wearing a kilt, had a pretty thick Scottish accent & was always hanging out with this one guy who played the bagpipes. You can decide for yourself. So this reminds me... Yesterday Snow & I went out together (we had to go to WCC) and two people told us we looked like twins. We were not dressed at all alike & Snow had on a headband & I did not. The other day we went out together & the same thing happened, but the cutest of all was this little old Indian man we ran into at Whole Foods. He had such a strong Indian accent, like the guy in Terminal who says, "Do you have an appointment?" Like the others, he asked if we were twins, & after we chatted with him for a sec, he said "God Bless." I didn't think much of it, because it's kind of a generic thing to say. I thought he was just being nice & possibly talking about a god that I'm not familiar with. I just smiled and said the same. So, a few minutes later we were checking out & there he was again, & he was talking again. He asked where Snow went to school & when she said she was homeschooled, he said, "Oh, so you can learn to say things like God bless." You have to understand that his accent was such that you almost couldn't understand what he was saying, but I heard that & at this point I really started to pay attention. He went on to ask Snow if she knew about Girls on the Run & Upwards Basketball and I'm thinking How does this guy know about these things? I wasn't thinking that so much because he was Indian, but because of his age. These are fairly new organizations. Anyway, he went on to ask us where we go to church & invited us to his Baptist church & I just can't tell you how cute & smiley he was; & so full of surprises too! It totally made my day. This picture is titled Little Rider from the Way-Away Land, which I think is rather appropriate. ^_^

some people are easily amused...

So this is what I liked most about my trip to Cedar Point.. I liked listening to the announcer for our first ride who didn't speak English very well. He only knew key words like line, hands inside, seatbelt.... The rest of the announcement sounded like all one word, and it sounded to me like Rastafarian, but Ben said it was Ukrainian. Ha. ^_^ Have you ever heard Rastafarian rap? or can you imagine being at a public auction in Jamaica? It was something like that. I also loved our little chat with the young lady we bought our lunch from who was most definitely from Jamaica. I loved the look on her face when she sat back in her chair and grinned with slightly raised eyebrows & told us the 3 burgers & 2 orders of chicken tenders with water & no fries totalled $53. I liked seeing the rides all lit up as we were leaving. I loved carrying & cuddling my 9 year old daughter as if she was 3, because she felt completely out of sorts after getting off a ride that even I was terrified to get on. (Daniel would say that the fact that I was terrified to get on that ride is not saying much, but I looked it up and it's one of the tallest and fastest roller coasters in the world. It's called the Millenium Force if you want to look it up.) When I got off that ride, there were only two things on my mind, TOO MUCH & TOO SOON. But this is a blog about what I liked about the park, so what else? Hmmm. Think. Think. Think. There was a girl who stood in line behind us for about 2 hrs. who didn't say much or smile much even though she was with a friend. I got the impression that she had been through a lot for someone so young and that she was a bit "mad at the world". Then, at the very end of the line as we were getting on the ride, she gave up her spot in line so our family could ride together. She smiled and her eyes were bright & she said, "You have a very lovely family." I appreciated the compliment, but what I liked most was seeing that dramatic change in her expression. She looked like a different person & I learned something about making judgements about people. (I was still thinking about that when I went to bed last night.) It was sweet the way Snow & Hannah walked hand in hand through the park at times. I got to eat dippin' dots. It cracked me up to see Ben throw money to the wind all day, but then get really annoyed when he had to pay $2 for a locker because they wouldn't let him take his bag on a ride. That was funny to me. At one point during the day I whispered in Ben's ear, "Want to hear a secret? I don't really like amusement parks." I don't think I've ever told anyone that before. For some reason, I find that a little embarrassing. He whispered back, "I already knew that about you." ^_^ Periodically throughout the day he would lean over & say, "Everything's okay." Even though it was perfectly obvious that everything was okay, I appreciated the reminder. I have such a lovely family. I haven't mentioned Daniel yet, but I will. ^_^ At the end of the night when we divided up some cotton candy, when choosing between pink & blue, Daniel studied both bags very carefully to see which one had more, then said, definitively, not "I'll take that one" or "I'll take pink", but "I like pink cotton candy." (You can picture here a cute little boy about five years old snatching & hugging a bag of cotton candy like a pillow or a stuffed teddy.) In his defense, Daniel has informed me that blue cotton candy stains your mouth. ^_^ You're so cute, Daniel. I love you, buddy.

 

the unnamed...

"(Courage) is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what." ~a quote from To Kill a Mockingbird. That book made me laugh. I can remember when I read it a few years ago. I'd be in a waiting room or sitting on a park bench and I would just laugh & giggle & never look up to see who was watching. I need to read it again. But I saw this quote just recently and it reminds me of Snow- especially the part where it says no matter what. Yesterday we (or I) had a good laugh about the "unnamed". Just to clarify, I wasn't really laughing at the unnamed itself, I was laughing at Snow's reaction to the fact that someone tried to mention it in reference to a song, while remaining vague on the details so as not to create an ordeal. I know you must be curious, & I would love to describe her reaction, but I don't think I can. Maybe one day I'll be a better writer & I'll come back to it. Anyway, we don't like talking about the unnamed, especially so close to Christmas, but the thing is of no conseqence, so don't worry that I'm not going to tell you what it is. It's Snow's courage that we're talking about here & it's her courage that I want you to remember. I will never forget what she did, (especially since we have it on video tape...and now on my blog). It was a daring choice, mindfully decided. It may be funny, it will always be funny, but more than that it's remarkably revealing, showing the world just what she's made of. It's like this... Einstein said, "If you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Snow, you looked at that tree and you jumped, and flapped your tail, and tried to wiggle your way up into the branches. You did it, not because you wanted to be a tree creature, but to overcome the fear that would keep you from jumping out of the water; and you did it by your own choice. You've got moxie! You are nothing to laugh at. You are absolutely lovely, strong, inspiring, and brave beyond measure. You looked your worst fear in the face and refused to back down. All those who were distracted by the monkeys couldn't see it, but really there was nothing to see anyway. "What is essential is invisible to the eye." ~Le Petit Prince (1943)

 

recent unpleasantness...

Not really. There's no unpleasantness here, and if there was, I certaintly wouldn't be advertising it. ^_^ "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids." What I did want to say is that life is grand and terrible and I hope you are all strapped in tight. I have no time to babble on about it this morning, but if you have any questions, I'll be available from 3:15 - 5pm. I'm on a tight schedule, you know. All questions must be submitted in writing. "Never never doubt what nobody is sure about." This illustration is titled The Girl Who Trod on a Loaf and it's by Jennie Harbour. Enjoy.

 

i saw a deer today...

Actually, it was yesterday, but it was a very busy day. First, there was an early morning delivery of a very large dog bed, then lunch with friends, followed by a trip to the park. There was an unplanned stop at the music store which resulted in the unexpected leasing of a cello. After that, a quick stop to pick up the ipad replacement, and then we rushed off to see our friends one last time before leaving to pick up Daniel. After picking up Daniel, we stopped at the store to pick up dinner, came home & cooked it, & watched SpongeBob before bed. Earlier in the day, when we were on our way to lunch with friends, was when we saw the deer. It was a doe & she had THREE fawns with her & they still had their spots. It was beautiful. It really was lovely, I felt like nothing could wrong on that day after such a lovely site. Also, I was so happy to be picking Daniel up from camp, but it really was a funny day. I hadn't realized it yet, but little by little, as the day progressed, I started to feel like Kazuko from The Girl Who Leapt Through Time when she just sort of accepted that anything that could go wrong was going to go wrong, and I began to feel as if I should make my choices accordingly. It's kind of hard to explain. It's not like an Eeyore mentality, like oh well that's just the way it is; and it's not like Piglet, always frightened of what will happen next or Rabbit who is just grumpy. I accepted it quite gracefully, I think, except when I completely lost my cool because we were late to pick up Daniel and someone accidentally dropped a Subway sandwich onto their foot, and leg, the chair, the door, the carpet, and everywhere else that it landed along with it's mustard, mayonaise, vinegar & oil etc... Other than that, the fact that I left the house without walking the dogs, left my purse at the music shop, left Subway without paying, didn't really overly upset me. Of course I wasn't thrilled about any of those things, & over the course of the day I noticed a definite pattern, but I just kept moving forward & it all turned out fine. I definitely do get flustered when I'm late for things, & yesterday was no exception (I hate being late!), but the deer, & the park, seeing little Emmeli with a giant cello on her back, the bike that Ben found which I forgot to mention, & getting to see Daniel, a beautiful afternoon at the park with friends, etc... One has to take these things into account. Like I said, there was something wonderful about that doe & her three babies & I just knew when I saw that, that nothing could go wrong on that day.

 

that sweet plastic smell...

Today's blog inspired by my new delicate vanilla scent. ^_^ I wrote a haiku about it for Daniel. He's at summer camp and I only get to communicate with him via email, and he has no way to email me back. It's really kind of a fun way to chat with someone--- when they can't say anything back. Here's my haiku. I wrote it in my head, right before I fell asleep. So glad I remember it. It's a good one...

I smell like bug spray

Be glad you didn't take it

It doesn't wash off

So, I did a little research and there are people out there who actually want to smell like this. There is a whole website dedicated to forums for people who want to talk about the way things smell. It's called fragrantica.com. Seriously. Check it out. If you want to add a little bit of nostalgia to your day & reminisce about your long lost Cabbage Patch doll, you can get a 'vegan perfume oil' called New Doll. Another option is Harajuku Lovers Wicked Style Baby Perfume. This smell has been described as marshmallow, baby powder, vanilla-ish, or just 'that sweet plastic smell'. Some people were searching for 'perfume that smells like plastic Barbie doll head'. One person described the smell as vanilla-sweet-powdery-bubblegum; and one of the perfumes was advertised liked so- sexy but in an innocent girlish dolly-like naivete. ^_^ I had so much fun with my research and really learned a lot, like how to spell naivete. So I just wanted to share, but I also wanted to show off my haiku. This really all started because Ben doesn't really appreciate the Barbie head smell as much as some, so in self defense, I reminded him that that vanilla scent is really desirable in the baby doll market. Anyway, I shared my haiku with Ben & he made up one to help Snow remember to feed the fish, and we went to bed. So, that is all. For those who are interested & want a cheaper alternative to the baby doll scented perfumes available, try Repel Natural, deet-free insect repellent- available at REI with a 100% satisfaction guarantee. Enjoy!

 

one of my favorite things...

Just walked by the school room & Ben was singing a song from The Sound of Music with Emmeli. He wasn't goofing off, simply singing sweetly along with the tune of My Favorite Things while half distracted, because his arm was in the fish tank. It was so so sweet.

 

sound of music...

Emmeli has discovered The Sound of Music Radio on Pandora. ^_^ "It has all the classics!" ~like My Fair Lady, Fiddler on the Roof, Mary Poppins, Annie, and ofcourse The Sound of Music. "It has all the good songs." She just likes to lie on the floor with the ipad & sing along. I love it. I like to sing along too, though I'm sure that comes as no surprise. As our friend Julie Andrews once said, "I would be a fool to deny my own abilities." What a wonderful daughter I have, so smart, so musical, & so retro. As a side note, occasionally a song from Grease will pop up & Emmeli always skips. ^_^ Instinctively she knew to skip! Without any instruction! I'm telling you, this kid is a genius.

 

merry-go-round...

99% of my blogs are about either dieting, kids, pets, book quotes, or mowing. They just keep going round & round. Just want to let you know that I know. Some blogs are just about blogging, which is kind of embarrassing. K? That's all for today.

 

stealing from the cookie jar

I can't say this about all of life, but when it comes to dieting, cheating is better than quitting. Just sayin.

 

hungry like a wolf...

*Confession- I changed the date for this post, because I finally went one whole month without posting anything and I'm not ready to let that happen. I'M SO ASHAMED! (I did set the time as the last possible moment in June, so I can remember what a procrastinator I am & how I almost didn't make it. ^_^ Anyway, last nite at 11:59 PM I was involved in a noble cause. I was helping Snow turn in her story for a writing contest, which was, incidentally, also being submitted at the last possible moment.)

*Truth- I'm only one day late AND I actually started this blog last month. I just never finished it...

I will here quote a description for Don Abbondio, a despicable character from Manzoni's I Promessi Sposi (ie. The Betrothed). "I have borrowed it because it suited my purpose, and told where I got it, that I might not take credit due to others: so let not one think that it is a plan of mine to proclaim that the author of this little book and I are like brothers, and that I rummage at will among his manuscripts." This too is a quote from Manzoni, because he was also a borrower of words and I share his sentiments. There may be other Manzoni quotes here and I will not mention every one. Just read the book and you will know. This will be one of my little tributes to him, I'm sure there will be others. This blog is not really supposed to be about Manzoni, though, it is about my dog, Owen. I love him truly, he is my good & faithful dog, but I promise you he would sooner chew my arm off than save me if I were to ever come under assault. Let me explain. Manzoni said that Abbondio, if he were obliged to take part in a quarrel "favoured the stronger, always with a reserve, and an endeavor to show the other that he was not willingly his enemy." This is Owen, although I'm not so sure about this last part, because Owen is quite willing to gnaw me to death under the slightest provocation. In his defense, it is as if he would say, "Why did you not manage to be stronger? I would have taken your side then." This is the dog who follows me from room to room as I move around the house during the day, the one who lays his chin on the table next to me when I'm working and sometimes sits his 150 lb. self on my lap. He has this very strange instinct to always take the winning side, like Don Abbondio, though I am sure it is for an entirely different set of reasons. If Daniel attacks me, Owen attacks me. If I attack Daniel, Owen attacks me (because he knows I will lose). You might think, well Owen just likes Daniel, and you would be right in thinking that, Owen does like Daniel; but nevertheless if Daniel attacks Ben, Owen will turn on Daniel in an insant, and leave Daniel in the same stupefied, sad state of bewilderment that I have experienced time & time again. Daniel doesn't attack Ben as often as he attacks me; he's kind of like Owen in that respect, he likes to win. ^_^ But that is beside the point, moving on, you see what I mean about Owen? What did I tell you? Highly suspicious behavior for a dog, I'd say. Fortunately Sage usually comes to my rescue and Owen is always very sorry, so I forgive him and we will always be pals. But I just had to share this (1) because I needed something to blog about (2) because Manzoni is fast becoming one of my favorite authors & I wanted to deposit him here (3) because I never want to forget this silly dog and his antics. He makes me smile. He's so silly and sweet and loyal, well sort of. So, it's been nice chatting with you. Check out the book. It's great!

 

gipsy on my porch...

Found a little baby bunny living in the myrtle. It was Ben. He was watering. The bunny got wet, and actually it was bunnies, but Gipsy has a little white stripe on his head. He was Ben's favorite, I heard it in his voice when he held him for the second time after he told me we couldn't keep it. So we set him back down where we found him, both times. But he stayed, he or she stayed, and I named him Gipsy, and we are keeping him, in the myrtle.

 

let the sunshine in...

Me: (looking at a slightly eerie black & white picture of trees and an old graveyard in the mist) "Oooh, that's pretty." In my defense, there was a beautiful iron gate & light shining thru the trees.

Emmeli: (looking over my shoulder & giggling) "Ummm, I wonder what it would look like on a sunny day."

Bahahahah!

bedazzle...

Have you ever felt like your heart starts running ahead of you & you're just trying to keep up? ...like I feel this way, but I don't know if it's the right way to feel. If you are unsure about something, you probably don't want to admit your feelings about it, but this time the feeling is so strong you just want to sing it out loud. This feeling is undeniable, but you know that by revealing it you are sharing something about yourself that is a mystery even to you.... a spark of truth about yourself that you may not grasp the significance of. This makes you vulnerable and some may deem it unwise to send unshielded sparks flying out into the universe unaided, unprotected, and unchaperoned, but these little sparks may have nothing to do with you. Life is a collaboration & maybe someone else needs to see that spark or even catch it. Some may be frightened by it, but that in itself means nothing. Sometimes you just have to be vulnerable if you want to be a part of this world, but since you are not invincible, you do have to understand that there is danger. You may want to send your spark with a little umbrella. I like throwing myself out there, it's exhilarating. There's no pride in it really, because deep down there is uncertainty, but there is freedom in breaking away... freedom in trusting that you can be who you are. You can make known who you are, even if you are wrong, because it is o.k. to be wrong. Faith is what fuels sparks. It's what gives us courage and wings. I have sparks, little pieces of me that may not be understood, but they're simply undeniable. Am I to smother my own self? Though I be imperfect, if I can share the unfinished, unpolished pieces of me, they may fit together with somethings sitting all alone inside of you. These things may all come together in someone else. This is how we go together. This is living.

 

children @ play...

I am in love with this day. No particular reason. I just like it, and I'm thrilled to do what I can today to be living the life I want to live. Yestserday Daniel & Emmeli & Hannah & I made an all-paper environment with a mountain, a stream, a bridge, some boulders, etc... It was sort of a growing experience for me & eye opening as well. The reason... because it was completely nonsensical. There isn't really anything that I can use an all-paper environment for, except maybe a fire starter. I like to make things, but I usually make something for a party or for a gift or for a picture frame that I need to fill. When I play with the kids, and we are just making something for fun (ie. lego building), I usually start organizing the legos by color. Or if it's blythe, I will make a little setup, so that the girls can play. I don't play well, and I don't play often. That is a very sad thing to admit. Anyway, I went to bed thinking, tomorrow I will play more. This is nothing new. I tell myself that all the time. The thing is, you can't force play. It has to come from inside you. But what you can do is be available. And you can try very very hard to let go of your methodized, well regulated, symmetrical, rational way of seeing things. You can at least work on that. So anyway, none of this is really new, but it feels new today. That's good, because it means that there's a little me inside who still wants to be "it". And at least I did participate in creating the all-paper environment. Even though it doesn't really count as "playing" in my book, it was still utterly futile, so that's kind of like playing. Okay, I gotta go now before I make myself sad & completely sabotage this day's potential for merriment. What happened to my brain? It dearly loves to laugh, but never learned to have fun, or maybe it's forgotten, I'm not sure which. Actually, if I really think about it, there are definitely some things that happened to me as a kid that made me, each time, a little more afraid to stand out. It's totally kind of hard to have fun, if you feel like everyone's watching and someone is going to make you feel really stupid. (Yes, I did just say totally kind of.) That's a real downer thing to say in a blog that started out so jolly, I know, but really, I think it's important for us all to realize the impact we have on the people around us. Be nice! Be encouraging! Somebody's ability to have a fun life could be hanging in the balance! Just so you know, I never intended to conclude this blog with a moral, but it turned out to be a really awesome piece of wisdom & advice don't you think? Thanks for listening.

first things first...

Me... "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown in about two seconds."

Emmeli... "But you said you were going to blend my smoothie first." ^_^

mishmash hodgepodge medley...

This is far too much awesomeness for one blog, so take it slow. Some of these are from last year and a couple will have to remain anonymous, since I can't remember who said them, but here they are, all in one place. To be continued...

"Mom you are so nice! You are nice magazine!" ~Daniel (A proud moment)

(In response to being corrected in grammar class) "Period-dot. They're both the same shape."

"Let's make chocolate chip cookies with no nuts and no chocolate chips!" ^_^

"Say that ten times fast and that's a real motto!" (No idea what it was, but does it really matter? Love this.)

"I don't do fancy." ~Emmeli (Classic)

"I'm not bribing you, it's called an exchange." ~Daniel (This boy cracks me up.)

 

the story of my life...

Daniel: Have you had cake this morning? Me: "No." Have you had coffee this morning? "Yes." Have you had protein? "No." That's the story of your life....Better go cook something. "I don't want to go cook something." That's the other story of your life.

be afraid...

I just want to say that driving on the freeway at 7 in the morning is frightening! Call me paranoid, but racing down the freeway at alarming speeds while being completely surrounded by people who are passing on the right, bouncing all over the place because your suspension has gone out (trying desperately not to spill your coffee), & trying to adjust the heater which seems to have gone out as well (while of course keeping your eyes on the road); all of this while trying not to be distracted by the 200,000 lb. airplane coming in for a landing right over the top of the car; this is all way too much excitement for 7 a.m.! The music is uppity, the coffee is sloshing, there you are, bouncing up and down, the planes are coming in, oh my! What the heck is this guy doing on the right?! These guys passing on the right, they seriously have no fear, (and probably have a bumper sticker to prove it), but no time to look! I really think people have the wrong idea about this no fear business, but I can see now what all the fuss is about. Yikes!

it's all for the cause, dear...

So I recently told Snow that I might be done with my blog. I don't know why. I just don't have as much to say as I thought I did. But you should have seen the look she gave me.... So here I am, once again. We will try & see how things go for awhile. So first off, what have I been doing for a whole month with nothing to say? Well, I've been taking kids to the dentist & doctor, trying to keep up a regular cleaning routine, teaching school (of course), rearranging the school schedule (just to keep things interesting), organizing the basement, blah, blah, blah. You can see why I haven't been blogging. None of that is really very interesting, is it? As a side note- I beat level nine on Zuma (that is exciting). Hmmm. Oh. Did I ever mention that Emmeli got braces? Owen is still growing. He's not fitting his old collar anymore. Ben's car finally died, so we've been car shopping. And I deleted my FB account and discovered Pinterest. It's not exactly the same thing, but I have found that it helps to keep me looking forward instead of backward, if that makes since. Well, since this is just about the most boring blog ever, I'll keep it short & sweet. So that's all for now. Love you Snow.

clamhood...

It was said, sneeringly, by someone that if a clam could conceive of God, it would conceive of Him in the shape of a great, big clam. Naturally. And if God has revealed Himself to clams, it could only be under conditions of perfect clamhood, since any other manifestation would be wholly irrelevant to clam nature. By incarnation, the creator says in effect: "See! this is what my eternal ideal looks like in terms of my own creation; this is my manhood, this is my clamhood, this is my characterhood in a volume of created characters.

~Mind of the Maker, Dorothy L. Sayers

home sweet home...

Note to self... Today you are a homemaker. You may want this every day, but then again, you also want to be a teacher, an artist, a friend, a mommy, a wife... You can't do it all, so let's focus on one thing. Homemaking is not about cleaning. It's about creating a beautiful place where things can grow... people, plants, ideas etc... Creating this kind of place involves vinegar and baking soda (otherwise you might grow some very unlovely things, like mold, fungus, bacteria) but it also involves love and patience, and joy and playfulness. Why am I telling myself this? Because today I want o be free to choose each next step, keeping in mind what is true to my heart. I don't want to have a cleaning day, or a school day. I don't want to have a day off from these things either. I just want to enjoy this day being productive with nothing in particular in mind. I don't quite know how to do that, so every time my mind starts wandering and I start thinking of business that I need to attend to, calls I need to make, or even things I want to do for myself, I am just going to keep saying, you are a homemaker. Does a homemaker make broccoli cheese soup? Absolutely! Does a homemaker read books to small children and listen to them read? Of course. Does a homemaker have whimsy and fly by the seat of her pants? Yes she does. I really can't think of too many things that a homemaker wouldn't do, only I know she wouldn't homeschool from 8 to 5. That is what is known as schoolmaking. She would not clean from 8 to 5 either. That is how we turn a very nice homemaker into a crazy person. So that is quite enough on that topic for now, because homemakers do not spend too much time blogging. They are way too busy being spontaneous, making some things yummy and other things shiny, and making the world a better place for her homies.

 

intermission...

So love it when Ben takes time out from his busy day to call me just to say hi and see how my day is going. Just wanted to remember. Have to hold on to these sweet moments.

the road less traveled...

“A man of my acquaintance once wrote a poem called "The Road Less Traveled", describing a journey he took through the woods along a path most travelers never used. The poet found that the road less traveled was peaceful but quite lonely, and he was probably a bit nervous as he went along, because if anything happened on the road less traveled, the other travelers would be on the road more frequently traveled and so couldn't hear him as he cried for help. Sure enough, that poet is dead.”

~ Lemony Snicket, The Slippery Slope

 

the sweet life...

Woke up this morning to cafe au lait, made by Snow, just the way I like it. It was a nice surprise for someone who was planning to start a diet today, a diet which would exclude this longed for, pleasant-tasting, sweet treat. But how could I say no? This is Snow's new hobby- waking up early to make goodies for the fam. Have I mentioned it? (I don't know if it's that adorable twinkle in her eye or that nonconformist streak that reminds me of a younger, less hairy* me.) It's a bit alarming when your daughter is up before the sun comes up serving hot coffee and piping hot baked goods while you're still under the covers trying to steal a few extra winks. Almost makes a person feel guilty. It's as Lemony Snicket says, "“Criminals should be punished, not fed pastries.”

*hairy- a word which here means hazardous or frightening

a spark of hope...

Sometimes you get to learn things the easy way. This year I didn't gather firewood before it snowed, because it seemed like it would never snow, I guess. Then, it snowed. And the firewood got wet. And I realized that I had done a bad thing. If this was a cold cold winter, I would be in serious trouble. The cold, dry snow might not dampen the wood, but I would be tromping around in the woods, digging and dusting with red cheeks. Anyway, the snow is not cold and dry, it is wet and fading. Though fires are nice, they certainly are not necessary at this point and nevertheless, my passing thought, next year I better be ready. That's me. Always an optimist. Ha. It will be cold next year, right?

diffident proposal...

Hello Blog. Happy New Year! I know you are busy, but I just wanted to tell you how you've always been a great inspiration to me and often make me smile. Thanks for that. You really are lovely and I'm looking forward to some lovely times together, hopefully very soon.

you know what's not so nifty...

Finally, a blog. So here I am and this day is ripe for sharing. The sun is shining, the grass is green, and I am soaked to the spongy bone with tales of black princes and red roses and deeds done beyond the sea. There is a spark of truth in me and I am overwhelmed by it, yet even the essence of expression escapes me. I'm hindered by my own insufficient glossary, my own distracted, vacant mind. Was there ever anything more piteous? -beauty all locked up in the heart of an utterly deficient, mute poet. Oh how sad and despicable yet exhilarating to be stuck with a fire in one's breast!

rambling...

Last night I watched a documentary on Woody Guthrie. It made me think of my dad, especially when it mentioned Woody going to sea and playing guitar for his shipmates. I never knew Woody went to sea. I think my dad told me once that he was present somewhere sometime when Woody went by in a train. Maybe I made that up. He sort of reminds me of him though, but then most rebels do... Clint Eastwood, Rambo, Elvis, Superman. I don't know if Elvis and Superman fit that description, but they belong in that list. Maybe they remind me of some of his other qualities. Anyway, I may be idealizing my childhood, but I feel like I have a rich folk heritage. I feel like I'm a part of something beautiful in some small way. I love folk art and folk music and when I look back at the little cedar cabin that I grew up in with it's fireplace and porch swing, our dogs on the porch, and my daddy playing guitar and drinking coffee, I feel like I belong in a painting. My dad is gone now, but I have his guitar and it is a treasure to me. My favorite song that he played for me was Puff the Magic Dragon & sometimes I still listen to Peter, Paul, & Mary try to mimic him. I miss my dad. The other night we played monopoly and I don't know what I said, something stupid, but apparently smart at the same time and Ben gave me that same look my dad used to always give me that says, does this kid really know what she just said? That always made me feel special, when we connected that way. My kids wondered how a game of Monopoly could make me cry. So, long story short, I love my daddy's guitar, and the music in my head, and my patchwork fantasy past, my 1970's frontporch piece of history. I miss my dad's funny raised eyebrow looks that peer into my wee little soul. I wish he was still here to tell me all about what's going wrong in the government. I'd ask him if he really watched that train pass by. I'd call him right now & ask him to brave the cold and come over for Thanksgiving and meet my family & my big dogs & we'd sit by the fireplace & drink coffee. I wonder what my kids would think. He's not entirely unlike their daddy, sort of a cross between Rambo & Superman. Ha. That's what it is- deep thinker, tuff guy, handsome, hero. Funny. I never really reconciled those four personas in my mind until now (Clint, Rambo, Elvis, Superman). I recently read a quote that said, "I write to discover what I know." So true. Glad I could apply it here. Ps. I think if my dad were here, he would read my blog. I wish he would. That would be neat.

through the looking glass...

These days the sky is ever at my window waiting for me to look out. Casually we meet time and again and he is always trying some new trick of amazement. In summer he was there and I admired his beauty then, but now that all the fittings, findings, and accouterments of the stage are all neatly packed away, he has my full attention.

seamonkey has my money...

Out of my four kids, three have had stitches and all three somewhere on their face. As a result, each has some sort of vestige to mark the occasion, and naturally, the fourth child has been anxiously waiting to see how she might fit into this picture. We have commented on her record of holding out for so long on numerous occasions, but today my husband noticed that she has finally acquired her very own little red badge of courage. Really & truly, a scar, right there on her chin! Finally! Needless to say, Emmeli did not share his enthusiasm, but not for the reason you might suppose. She was entirely distracted by the fact that she had lost her change purse, poor girl. Still fishing for a smile, he said, "Emmeli, you're a true (insert last name here), now!" Her dismal response, "I can tell. All my money is gone."

 

radiance, full and fair...

Either we have had several days of endless gray weather or my eyes have been closed, because it is a beautifully blue day and it feels like a new phenomenon. Black twiggy trees silhouetted against a cheerful sky with little white floating islands drifting along the currents; blinding rays streaming through my window; and the grass still vividly green as if by the glory of a summer rainbow. I'm drinking in the sunshine and the warmth and loving every minute of this. A little longer and the sun will be hid for many a wintry day.

aliens are watching my blog...

I was going to write this blog a while ago, and i was going to title it something like "wow, i'm famous!" or something like that, because i learned how to check the stats on my blog and found that there are thousands of page views. What?! And not a single comment? I don't understand. The only logical explanation is that the intruders could not understand the language and could not type because they didn't have the right kind of fingers. I'm not offended. Really, i'm flattered that they keep coming back; and i feel a little sorry for them that their fingers don't work. How frustrating! Well, in an attempt to come in contact with my own species, i posted a blog link on facebook today, which is completely against everything that i stand for, but i was trying to be brave, and i'm proud of myself. All that aside, if you are human and you have ever posted on my blog, i just wanted to say thank you. And since there are only a handful of you, i have each of you in mind and can sincerely say "i love you all". Obviously, the reason why i post this most intimate and personal information online for all the world/worlds to see is an attempt to connect. I know that you know that i like to talk to myself as well, so don't feel bad if you want to respond but can't for whatever reason. Anyway, some days i am more chatty than others & to my dearest friends who receive these blog posts via email, i apologize for bombarding your inbox today, i am at the mercy of my own whims.

 

luck, schmuck....

Brendan luck! Yay! A happy blog! Last night we went for a night-walk through the woods. Snow said something to the effect that she is never happier than when in the woods. We were walking the trails by the dam with it's pseudo-waterfall. I'm sure i have mentioned it before. It's the place where you park under the biggest cherry tree in existence & the home of the tree around which we filmed the lovely fall footage set to Rodrigo Y Gabriela. We took the side trail which doubles back by the river, then makes a loop back to the bridge at the start of the trail if you take a shortcut across the railroad tracks. We all had headlamps, but didn't need them due to the super bright light which Ben carries that has it's own little extension cord leading to a battery which he carries in his pocket. Ahem. So, anyway with such a headlight, we were all able to trail behind with enough light to pretty much black out the scenery & it was chilly so we were moving at a magnificent pace. Daniel even carried Emmeli, bc her little legs were not able to keep up. Speaking of trains, I would like to mention that a train did pass by on the tracks, which was cool and served well to drown out the barking of a neighboring dog aroused by all of the flickering and tramping and rustling of leaves. Okay, on to the point. So, when we arrived, as Ben passed out lights and we gloved our fingers and covered our heads, Daniel and Hannah took the trail under the bridge and grabbed up some small boulders. So as we crossed the bridge, Daniel lobbed them in and we all leaned over to admire the graduating rings in the river in the moonlight. Ben mentioned that sound waves travel in a similar pattern and i felt proud to have such a scientific husband, especially since i was off-duty. So here it is, the crowning glory of this lucky tale...this morning, reading about Leonardo da Vinci (Larry da Vinci as Emmeli likes to remember him), Hannah & Emmeli heard it straight from the horse's mouth. Leonardo wrote a treatise on the motion and measurement of water. Not having known that myself, and especially since this tidbit was buried in a chapter titled "The Last Supper", this certainly was not a planned follow-up to last nights ad hoc experiment over the river. He recorded his thoughts on the connection between the behavior of water & that of air. "As the stone thrown into water forms various circles, so a sound spreads in circles through the air." And i exuberantly (i thought for sure that that word had an H in it- it definitely deserves an H) pointed out, "Just like we saw last night." At the end of the chapter, predictably, and like the good teacher that i am, i gave my students some creative writing time so i could come here to share the good news. P.s. i don't believe in luck. See "brendan luck" (2011, February) .

 

broken dreams...

Incase the title was not enough, this blog is not light & fluffy, i thought i might warn you. So i've been thinking about the idea of safety & how people need to feel safe in order to be who God made them to be- to their fullest potential. I think few reach this potential because of poor parenting, bullying in school, teasing etc... I say poor parenting bc parents play such a vital role in our lives and i feel they need to be mentioned separately. The influence they have on us is different from that that we get from our peers. Anyway, in an attempt to be brief, i just feel that children need to be free to make mistakes without judgement, ofcourse they need direction, but people will feel insecure about their own creative abilities if they have been made to feel a fool or incapable due to failed attempts. What artist has not failed at some point and had to go back to the drawing board? What skill does not take practice? Even an accidental spill or broken glass which generates a frantic response by an overwhelmed mother, i think chisels a piece of strength and confidence out of a child's soul. As children grow, they will learn that parents need forgiveness & mercy, but this morning i am mourning the sad loss of beauty, courage, and adventure in man's soul due to man's own folly.

love, love, lovely...

Surely he who loves aright will not only find love lovely, but become himself lovely also.

~Westward Ho!, Charles Kingsley

boy trouble...

Snow & I discussing one of the characters from her book:

"That's what I based my character, Duplica, off of.... what if Daniel could get away with anything?"

Claire chiming in from the backseat:

"It feels like he has that superpower already!"

i see it feelingly...

Sometimes finding the right words is something of a fairy hunt, but I don't just see life with my eyes, I see it feelingly and words will follow as a matter of course.

gotcha...

Great big wind take long lost kite from too tall tree and land it safely in wee little tree where me can reach it. Thank you!