rambling...

I have so much that I want to say! I am such a passionate person; it gets ridiculous sometimes. My emotions are all over the place. I'm always feeling something, and it all wants to come out. That's why I want to write. I want to feel the world around me and make sense of what I feel. I want to be able to take all that stuff bundled up inside and let it unfold and actually look like something. I wish I could play an instrument. I think that's what I need to do. I wonder if that would be easier. Not that learning to play is easy, I mean once you know how. Can you play out what you're feeling without worrying whether it makes sense, or does it take just as much effort to find the right notes? Where does all this passion come from anyway? It's a mystery. I know it's good for something, I just have to figure out what.

dad...

I miss my dad. I don't have anything meaningful to say. I don't have anything to say. I just miss him. I miss you, Dad.

stupor...

"Sometimes the feeling is more important than the word."

~Nobody stole the pie, Sonia Levitin, 1980

captured memories...

I can't imagine what life would be like without video cameras. I'm listening to my four year old's voice as it comes from my husband's laptop. He's editing our Christmas footage and piecing the clips together to make a memory that will hopefully last for a long long time. I don't know why, but I don't remember little details of every day situations for very long. They just fade right out of my memory. If something catastrophic happens, I will remember that, but otherwise I need videos. If I didn't have them, I would never remember what my daughter's little voice sounded like when she was small. I wouldn't be able to watch a couple of years from now and marvel at how young my son was when at the time It seemed he was getting so big. We would never be able to set a moment to the music that expresses exactly what we feel. I would be utterly in the dark, remembering everything from someone elses perspective, because everyone else remembers what I have forgotten. My oldest daughter reminds me of past events all the time with such excitement, "Remember, Mom?" and in all honesty, I have to admit that I don't. I hate that feeling. I should remember these things. So anyway, I'm very thankful for video cameras and for husbands who put movies together.

lucky hand...

Today, Hannah said, "Left is my lucky hand."

baby mouse...

Today Emmeli was telling me that she wanted to be my pet mouse, and she wanted to be a baby mouse named Mousy. Then, referring to her real self, she started to say, "I'm a baby," but she didn't. She said, "I'm a........I used to be a baby." At this moment I felt like time stopped and I looked at her and took in the magnitude of what she said. It was as if some enchantment had been broken. I was proud of her for some strange reason and I wanted to cry at the same time. There was a part of me that wanted to somehow hide what she had said and pretend it never happened, but I just sat there and let it soak in. She's not a baby, she's almost five years old. Even though I may know that, it's so hard to let that truth take hold and it's an idea that she is just beginning to grow into. Hearing her say it somehow made it true, and for me, it was a powerful realization that I don't have any babies anymore. I know, deep down, that I can't keep them small, but I am holding on so tightly. I feel like I'm holding back time like a tightly drawn rubberband, and I fear if I let go, everything from this point will be accelerated.

reminiscence...

I have recently been inducted into a complex society of online chatting and picture posting. It's quite something. Every day I eagerly await any sort of communication from any number of people who I may or may not respond to. I've found it to be the highlight of my day to turn on my computer and see that someone has posted some horrid picture of me for all of the online world's amusement, or to hear that someone across the country, who I haven't talked to in 20 years, is making lunch or enjoying a sunny day or going for a bike ride. I just love starting my day with silly comments made by guys who I remember from middle school who still make me laugh, and I can't tell you what it meant to me to chat with the boy who used to live across the street from me when I was ten. What a neat thing to be able to reconnect for a brief moment and just say hello, I remember you. I'm happy to have this tie to my youth, this connection to my roots that reminds me of younger days, and it's somehow comforting to find that even though it seems that everything has changed, some things remain the same.

wanna be...

I love to write. I never knew it until now, but I simply love it. Lately, I find myself thinking of everything in terms of how I will write about it. It is often the first thing that comes to mind. Today, Ben brought home some lemons from the store and they were a different sort of lemon. They had a thinner, smoother skin and were a slightly orangeish yellow that is hard to describe. Anyway, I think they are interesting and beautiful, and when I saw them I started making up a poem almost instantly. Now I have to warn you, incase I start posting poems on here, that I am not a poet! My poems always sound like something straight out of a Dr. Seuss book. I love Dr. Seuss, I think his work is genius...seriously, but it's not elegant poetry like I want to write. I wish I could poor my heart and my ideas onto paper in a way that is gloriously satisfying and beautifuly poetic, but alas, it is wishful thinking. I wonder if this talent is a skill that can be honed. Only time will tell. For now, I enjoy the sweet satisfaction of meager attempts to say what I mean and mean what I say and I can feel my mind stretching a bit.

milli vanilli...

Obviously, some things just aren't funny if you have to explain them, but for me it goes a step further, sometimes I don't even know why they're funny. I just laugh. When you have kids, they want to know why you're laughing, but some things you just can't explain. Usually, when something is really really funny and I'm cracking up, my kids all start jumping on me, "What's so funny, what's so funny?" Then I start laughing even more, because it's hilarious... until the laughing wears off, then I gently peel them off.

Today, as I was listening to the classical station, there was a break and the guy who was talking (DJ-I don't know why I don't like to say that) said something about Milli Vanilli and I had to laugh. I don't even know what he said. Milli Vanilli just makes me laugh. Please don't try to explain this to me. The fact that it was being talked about by the "Classical DJ...guy" has nothing to do with it. I didn't laugh histerically, by the way. It was sort of an inward laugh, so I didn't have to explain it to the kids.

Anyway, this is why I have a blog, for Milli Vanilli moments. Thank you blog. You're always there for me when I need you.

me...

I just thought you might like to know that I'm not "ME" anymore. I'm now, officially, APRIL. What a relief!

the bunny...

I have a bunny living outside my window. I just love seeing his (her?) little tracks in the snow. I haven't seen him since late fall, but I think he has made a burrow under the tall grasses that are bent over and all covered with snow. This rabbit is not afraid of us at all. He's been hanging around with us since he was small enough to fit in a large coffe cup. He lets us walk right up to him. We used to chase him so that he would be more afraid and know to run away. We were especially concerned that one of the neighborhood cats would get him. But he's still around and of all the places, he chose our little nook. It's probably because he likes the grasses we grow, but I like to think he likes us in spite of our meanness.

a gift...

So I am up very late again. I love it when the house is quiet. I wanted to take a minute before I turn out the lights and just say how blessed I am to have a son who makes me laugh. The Lord knows that I need to laugh, so He gave me Daniel.

hidden treasure...

I'm finally getting around to it. I wanted to write about this last week, the night that Ben got the flat. So we were on our way to pick him up and it was very late and the roads weren't the best. Somehow we got onto the subject of dying. It was interesting to hear the children talk about what they thought Heaven would be like. We talked about Jesus and how He sacrificed everything to save us. Hannah then told the parable about the man who found a treasure in a field and sold everything to buy that field. She said, "We are God's treasure." It was so sweet to hear words of wisdom from little Hannah and to see how the word of God is written on her heart. Noone prompted her to say that, but I remember talking about that in church one time quite a while ago. She held onto that.

redecorating...

the new me...

It's with mixed emotions that I announce that I am redecorating my blog page. I love my little kawaii pictures, and I will especially miss Kogepan who is always fuming about something while everyone else is having a lovely time. That's me by the way, incase you didn't know that. I'm the one reading the book, Emmeli is the smallest whatever, and Snow, Daniel, & Hannah are in the bag. Everyone is happy and I'm trying so hard to be a good mom that I miss all the fun & ruin it for myself. The little nuthead guy is me too. If you've ever been lucky enough to see him come out, then you know he's great fun to have around. But Kogepan usually doesn't let him come out unless I have sugar first. I've learned to accept that. Anyway, I am so sorry, because everyone will miss them terribly. So my new page is going to be much more serious and less colorful and less fun to visit, but there is something inside of me that says this is the way to go. I like putting lots of pictures on my page and there just aren't enough kawaii images to support my habit. There are some, but they aren't exactly what I want. Every time I try to add something to my site, the page starts looking like all too much ice cream on a Saturday afternoon. So, I hope you like the new me and come back and visit me often.

tires & tow trucks & treasures, oh my!

I had so much that I wanted to write tonight, but Ben got a flat tire on the way home from work, and I just got home from rescuing him after he had been stranded for nearly four hours, trapped in a tow truck, breathing exhaust & cigarette smoke. Poor boy. So, having said all that, I guess I can't complain. But, darn it, I had a lot to say. I wanted to talk about Daniel and Dr. Seuss and my rhyming frenzy and the hidden wisdom in children's books and so much more that I can't even remember now, because I'm coming down from my sugar high. Anyway, there's always tomorrow. At least there's always the hope of tomorrow. Oh yeah, I also wanted to talk about...oh shoot, it's gone again. Oh well. It's midnight. Goodnight world. Oh, but I must remember what Hannah said in the car about us being God's treasure. I will write about that tomorrow.

my friend...

I love talking to Aimee! She calls me every Sunday. Somehow we always end up talking about food. I think it's great, though, because nobody else wants to hear me talk about food and I think about it all the time.

Aimee- you're in the picture too. See? Over there on the right.

reconsidering...

O.k., this is my fourth post for today. haha. I'm in the mood to write, I guess. It's either that or I'm just hyper because I just had two glasses of hot chocolate. By the way, I have to mention that the kids are watching a half-pipe competition on tv and they are totally into it. It is so cute. So anyway, what I wanted to say was... I noticed that I have already developed a pattern in my post titles. I'm not sure what to do about that. It sorta goes against the theme, don't you think?

play fighting...

My husband is such a rebel. He breaks all the rules. Sometimes I get so frustrated, because he doesn't play by the rules. Today we were having a snowball fight and he pushed me down so that I got snow inside my coat, he held me down, & sprinkled snow on my face - smiling with his mischievous smile all the while. He said, "You know what you do if you get trapped out in the snow and snow is getting all in your face?" Then, after sprinkling snow in my face, he said, "You did it wrong, you use your tongue to catch the snow." I wanted to kill him. That was the second time he tackled me. The first time he pushed me down and forced me to make a snow angel, then when I got up he told me how fat my angel was! So, the third time he tackled me, he held me down, even though I was trying to get up and I told him I was already freezing. Neighbors walking by were wondering what was going on, and he leaned over and kissed me. I just love him. I have to write these things down so that next time I want to kill him, maybe I'll remember.

smiling...

I just love my kids. They are absolutely beautiful, inside and out. I am so blessed. Thank you Lord, for these little people who bring me so much joy.

playing...

We walked to the park in the snow today. When we got there, I pushed Emmeli on the swing while Ben had a snowball war with the Hannah, Daniel, Snow, and Ethan (the little boy from next door). I called out to Ben and he didn't answer because he was too busy playing, so I called out louder. Then, Emmeli decided to help-"Daaaaaad, Mom wants you. Daaaad." Then she turned to me and said, "Mom, don't call him. He wants to play with the other kids."

dreaming...

This morning Emmeli was troubled by a dream and tried to explain it to me. She was having a hard time remembering the details, so she said, "You remember, you were there."