happiness is a fresh vocabulary...

Have you ever noticed how some parents sort of encourage their kids along when they invent their own words for things? For instance, if a child says nana for banana, then the parents just start saying nana too. Well I've never really been one of those parents. No matter how cute, I have generally corrected the children's vocabulary. That's really embarrassing to admit. You're probably thinking, wow, this lady has serious issues. Actually, if you're reading this, then you probably already know. But anyway, yesterday I had a breakthrough. I caught my 5 year old (she's actually 5 now) saying "hanitizer" instead of hand sanitizer =) and I let it slide. Yep... didn't say a word. It was a beautiful moment worth blogging about.

sunny disposition...

My how the time flies!!! I can't believe it's been 19 days since my last post. What I can't believe even more than that is that I actually kept up with this consistently for 4 months! Recent highlights:

My 12 year old daughter (almost a teenager) loves to be with me. We recently had a night out and she left her side of the table to come sit right next to me. She also wants to hold hands wherever we walk. I am so blessed. She has such a wonderful personality! She sees the best in everyone. We went to Zingerman's for dinner and our waiter was kind of a stick in the mud. When he came over to greet us, my first thought was, "what's his problem." But as he was leaving, Snow said something like, "I think our waiter is one of those people who is afraid he's going to mess things up." So, I was softened and felt she was right. Then he did mess things up. He never brought us any bread before dinner, and when dinner came he poured my clam chowder all over Snow's potatoes and served me a bowl of gravy. =) I didn't care at all. I just asked if he would bring some bread and told him about the mix up. He offered to bring Snow more potatoes, but she actually liked it. The next time he came to the table Snow said, "Really, don't worry about the mix up. I like it. I think you should make a habit of it." And he smiled. I don't know where she gets it from, but Snow is a sheer joy to be around!!! Beautiful in every way!!!

ps...

also, i was born on a thursday...which means i have far to go. i've always wondered which one i was. out of all the options, i think this one fits me best. how is it that the person who wrote that nursery rhyme in 1838 knew that about me?

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day
Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

my tree...

so yesterday I found out that my birth tree is the...

Walnut Tree, the Passion

somehow this ties in with being...

unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.

oddly enough, most of this is probably true though not all easy to admit. the egoistic thing is a problem which ties in with neurosis (neurosis is a psychiatric term that refers to a class of functional mental disorder involving distress but not delusions or hallucinations, where behavior is not outside socially acceptable norms.) i love this definition. i don't like to think that i have a mental disorder, but at least i'm functional and not outside socially acceptable norms =) anyway being neurotic means i have anxiety and phobias, but the interesting thing is that that all comes from thinking about myself too much or being egoistic-which is what i'm doing right now, right.

so i recently heard a quote - "Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." ~Aristotle i don't believe this. i believe that knowing God is the beginning of all wisdom, but knowing yourself might be next. when i saw this quote, my first thought was, well then there's no hope for me, because i don't think i'll ever understand myself or any other person for that matter. people are complicated and i'm one of them. honestly even though i focus on my own feelings and opinions i haven't taken time to look at myself objectively. i think this could be a good thing. i can be my own psychiatrist. wait-is that a good idea?

one thing that's true about me is that i love to laugh at myself. i know i'm a mess and i love it when my husband teases me, because it makes light of it i guess. plus, i guess it feels good to know that even though he knows all these things about me he still loves me and can laugh about them too.

ok this is getting way out of hand. this is probably my longest blog ever and it's all about me.

flower child...

It has recently been brought to my attention that I am a weedy neurotic mess. Is there any hope for such a case? Please someone pull the weeds out of my heart and water my brain.

making a way...

You know what takes so long about blogging...pictures, but they're my favorite part, and grammar- that's my other favorite part. My grammar may not be great, but it has to make sense to me, which means lots of proof reading and tweaking. My sister-in-law blogs for about 5 minutes every day. Me- if I blog it takes about an hour, and I don't have an hour to spare. So, I almost want to give it up, but I won't. I just need to type faster. =) This week we're doing a little unschooling. For us that means from 9-5 we'll be focused on learning, but not doing our usual SCHEDULE. I purposely made that word look big and dark and scary, because that's how I feel about schedules. I will not be intimidated by them. I don't need a routine. What I need is to be led by my heart.

for the chicken lady...

because you're so special =)

someone to play with...

Are moms allowed to get bored? I have 5 million things that I need to be doing and I'm sitting in complete denial, bored out of my mind. I just want to play hooky and get out and enjoy some sunshine, but there's none to be had. If only I had someone to play with and a place to play. I think I'm going to load the kids in the car in the rain and go get some ice cream.

little beauties...

I love Easter eggs! They are always so beautiful! I'm not big on bright colors, but we dye brown eggs, so they come out in earth tones. They seriously are amazing. Has anyone ever been so fascinated by something so simple?! This year we tried using melted wax on the eggs and I gave away my prettiest egg without taking a picture first. =( Also, we hollowed out the eggs this year. We don't usually do that. It was a nasty job! But now I think we will use the little containers to plant seeds in. That way we can enjoy them a little longer and finally give them a proper burial.

first game...

Daniel had his first soccer game today and I was super camera happy! Unfortunately I had the camera on a wrong setting or something, because there were only a few pictures that really turned out. Anyway, he looked so cute in his soccer uniform. (He probably wouldn't like to hear me say that.) This was his first time playing on a team and he missed the first practice this week because he was sick, so he was sort of thrown into the game. Towards the end, he was doing great though, and he even blocked the other teams final goal. His coach told him if it hadn't been for that, they would have tied, so Daniel was happy to hear that. I was really proud of the way he jumped right in and eagerly obeyed all the directions being yelled to him from the sidelines. You were awesome, Daniel! Love you!

in the woods...

Ever notice how slowly time passes when you're

in the woods?

silly monkey...

Sometimes I feel a little insecure because I have a tendency to change my mind about things. I'm not very graceful, in that it often takes all sorts of contortions for me to get something the way I want it. But I recently had a revelation. I realized that in nature I find beauty in things that curl and twist and turn in on themselves. Gnarled trees and spiraling fiddlehead ferns, wild vines that coil in and out and through and take every imaginable turn, sometimes winding themselves into knots, I find these things compelling. So next time I become entangled, I hope I can remember this and appreciate the intricacies of me.

little visitor...

This is so cute... Yesterday I told the kids that I had good news and bad news. I told the good news, which was that Grandma & Grandpa's dog, Missy, is going to come stay with us for a week. Then I told the bad news, which was that they will have to take Missy for a walk everyday and pick up her poop. =) Those are my conditions. =) So back to the point, which is that Emmeli heard the whole thing and apparently liked the news so much that she needed to hear it a second time. She jumped on my lap and said, "Tell me the good news again." So I told her again. Then she said, "And what's the other good news." Since there was no other good news, I assumed that what she meant was, "And what's the bad news." So I started to tell her, "The bad news is...." And she stopped me. "No. Just tell me the good news."

sunlight...

warmth and encouragement after the rain

spring rain...

drenched in thoughts of water and earth

extra credit...

This morning when Emmeli and I were having class together, Emmeli answered a bonus question and got "extra credit." Sometime after class, she came to me in the kitchen all happy and said, "I got credit."
I said something like, "I know, you did a good job."
After a short pause she said, "I don't even know what credit is."
So I told her, "It's like getting points. You're a winner!" (I knew where this was going. I assumed that she wanted a prize of some sort and I was trying to teach her to let the achievement be it's own reward.)
Of course next she said, "But it means I get like a prize or something."
I said, "Yep, you get fifteen kisses." (She had 15 pts. extra credit.)
She said, "I mean like a 'credit' card." (She looked at me expectantly.) I couldn't help but laugh because she was so serious. Apparently she thought the extra credit would be on the card.
I asked her, "What do you want to do with a credit card?" (She didn't like that I was still laughing.)
She said, "Spend it on something."

Of course. How silly of me. =)

so...so...happy...

I have some serious blood sugar issues!!! About 5 min. ago I had a free minute and wanted to put something new on my blog, but I seriously could not think of anything nice to say. I considered posting a picture and nothing else. Then, I ate some nachos and now I feel so happy... so... so... happy. Sometimes I scare myself. I feel like a loony.

Note to self: always eat before blogging.

roly poly pudding...

For some time now, Snow, Daniel, & Hannah have been taking turns teaching Emmeli everyday. It's really fun to see the lesson plans that they come up with. Yesterday, Daniel read the story "The Tale of Samuel Whiskers or The Roly Poly-Pudding" by Beatrix Potter. After reading the story, he took a comforter off of one of the beds and a rolling pin from the kitchen and rolled Emmeli up the same way that Samuel whiskers and his wife rolled up the little kitten in the story. That was so fun for little Emmeli. I probably would not have done that, especially since the beds had just been made, but I'm so glad that I'm surrounded by little people who know how to have fun.

green glorious green...

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

(Be green & Be happy)

missing you...

Sorry I've been neglecting you my little friend. I haven't forgotten about you. I've just been working on something. I'll be back.

quick thinking...

I had a great night out with Emmeli last night. I think something got mixed up with our date night schedule, because it seems like not too long ago that I was out with Emmeli. Anyway, we went to REI briefly, to exchange something, then got dinner at Bagger Dave's, picked up some popsicles at Whole Foods, and came home to play Little Big Planet. Emmeli liked the music at dinner and was dancing in her seat at the restaurant. When I gave her a look like "O.k. time to stop now," she said, "It's the music that's doing it." =) Emmeli ordered a grilled peanut butter, banana, & honey sandwich with cinnamon. After that, we played I spy in the car on the way home and Emmeli kept cheating!!! She kept changing objects if I would guess the thing she spied. =) It was too funny. After several times doing this, I called her to order and she said she was sorry, that she had forgotten the rules of how to play, because she had been playing too many video games. She said we should hide Little Big Planet because everybody likes it too much. That was pretty tricky the way she fibbed and confessed and changed the subject all at the same time. I was so confused. Soon after that, we arrived at home and snuggled on the couch while playing video games 'til ten.

wait!!!

Wait a minute! I DON'T HAVE A FIVE YEAR OLD!!!!! What is the deal?! I hate it when I do that! Emmeli still won't be five for another month, so I STILL have a FOUR year old! In my mind she's probably been five for several months now. I don't know why I want to do that. STOP IT!

homeschooling...

I'm so happy that I homeschool my children. This morning, I was teaching my 5 year old the "Months of the Year" song as she was riding on my back and I realized how lucky I am to have my kids at home with me. I love learning and I'm so glad I get to learn new things every day with my very favorite people.

oh happy day...

So, I think my fast has been a complete failure! I thought if I starved myself that I would be thrilled to eat anything at all and wouldn't mind doing without certain things that I'm trying to remove from my diet, such as refined flour. But that's not the case at all. Being hungry all the time makes me want to throw caution to the wind and eat everything in sight. Last night I was almost salivating as I drove past McDonalds of all places! I've decided to cut my 5 day fast down to a 4 day fast, and I've been dreaming up what I'm going to have for breakfast for about 2 hours now. I'm actually looking forward to getting up early! Too bad there's no whole wheat anything in the house! That's o.k., I'll eat hash browns instead. Makes sense doesn't it?

soil...

Last week when the snow was melting Hannah said, "Oh...the soil is coming back!"

Ughhh...

Not sure if I'll be blogging this week. I'm doing a five day fast to try to break some bad eating habits and I plan on being pretty grumpy. So, I'll see you later.

dork...

Yes, I'm sitting in Starbucks with my laptop sipping steamed horizon chocolate milk. I'm watching out the big windows as the light feathery snow falls down like a heavy mist. I feel kind of strange yet comfortable at the same time. I'm sitting on a leather sofa in a beautiful old building with tiled ceilings and wood floors. At first I liked the music, it was from the 50's I think, not sure. But now the music keeps jumping around from awful to barely bearable. There was something about this whole thing that seemed a bit silly to me, but Hannah is taking a class at the art center only a couple of doors down and it's way to cold to walk around. So here I am, and now I'm leaving.

motivation...

I feel like I'm gearing up for something. I don't know what it is, but it's gonna be great! I can feel it.

valentine's day...

Just got back from a date with Ben, woohoo! We ate at our favorite restaurant where you get to enjoy fine Mediterranean cuisine while lounging on a sofa. =) We shared all of our grand plans for the wonderful new house that we hope to have someday. We were both tired and content to just be together, so even though we had a free babysitter for the night, we decided to come home where we could watch a movie in our pj's. Something about the night was really special, but I can't quite put my finger on it. (Something about the mood and the atmosphere.) I won't try to mess it up with words.

p.s. Ben got me gerbera daisies that are yellow with peach accents. They're so pretty.

changes...

"And that's what life's all about-changes going on every minute, and you never know when something begins where it's going to take you."

~A Gathering of Days, Joan W. Blos, 1979

joy...

Today is a lovely day. I'm happy to be alive.

cleaning day...

"This was no time for play.

This was no time for fun.
This was no time for games.
There was work to be done."

~The Cat in the Hat Comes Back, Dr. Seuss, 1958

a night to remember...

Last night I had a night out with Emmeli. We had such a fun time. Emmeli is so silly! I was struck by how laid back she was last night even though she was still her rascally self. She was a lot more suttle than usual. When you're one of four, sometimes you have to make yourself heard, but last night she was totally at ease knowing that she was the star of the show. I noticed that when you only have one child with you, it's not such a big deal if she's hiding in the clothes racks at the store or whirling around in a spinning chair that could tip at any moment. While we walked around the Gap, She ran ahead of me and hid in the clothes & stuck out her little hand. She made her hand into a puppet and disguised her voice. ("Hey over here... remember me?" - "I don't like hot chocolate, but Emmeli does.") Then she would hide again and say, "Mom, where am I, I can't find myself?" I can't tell you how annoying that would have been if I had been trying to keep track of all four children and shop at the same time. But as it was, I played along and we had a wonderful time.

So this was our night out: Emmeli & I picked up a $5 pizza, ate it in the car, went to the mall, Emmeli picked out some jammies with butterflies on them, we rode the escalator in Von Maur just for the fun of it, and then we went to Whole Foods and got a hot chocolate. It wasn't a big deal when Emmeli dropped hers and it spilled all over the floor. By the time we got our hot chocolate it was about 9:30 and Emmeli started to get tired shortly after that. She wanted to ride in a cart. As I pushed her around, I said, "Are you tired." She answered with a drowsy, "Yahhhh." "You want to go home?" "Noooo." She just wanted to be out with mom, even if we were doing nothing other than walking around in circles in the grocery store. She wanted to make it last, so we did. We walked around for a bit and took the elevator upstairs so we could "look at stuff" and then we decided that we both wanted to go home.

At home, Emmeli put on her new jammies, & I brushed her teeth, and we snuggled on the couch until she fell asleep. I wish I could remember all the cute little things that she said throughout the evening so I could write them down. They're tucked away in my heart and they're wrapped up in the memory of a sweet little girl who is too silly for words.

art...

I love art class. It's so much fun to watch the kids express themselves through drawing, painting, sculpting, etc... They get so excited about their creations. It's interesting to see how much they desire my approval of their work. I think, even as adults, we desire our parents' approval. We want to hear, "well done." I also find it interesting that even as little children they don't want anyone else doing the same thing that they're doing. They want individuality. We often skip art class, because there are so many other things that we need to accomplish in a school day, but really I think it's essential.

beautiful girl...

My daughter has the most beautifully forgiving, open heart. She's like a ray of sunlight. Often, when she gets her feelings hurt, she bounces right back with no hard feelings or self pity whatsoever, in the blink of an eye. It truly is amazing. She can go up to her room in tears, and in a few minutes, when I go up to talk with her, she's already over it and has moved on. It's not a false front for buried hurts like I would put on. It's almost as if she has amnesia. Whatever the offense, it's forgiven and forgotten. I can't tell you how many times she has had to give up something that she wanted because of her cystic fibrosis - play dates, play mates, parties, fun opportunities, classes, etc... And she is so gracious! I don't know what I was thinking when I did it, but I recently signed her up for a pottery class. Well, of course the studio is covered with dust, and now we're having to take her out of it and it breaks my heart. I first started processing the whole situation when I picked her up from the class today and saw how dusty the studio was. I asked her, "Would you be devastated if I took you out of this class and put you in a different art class?" She said, "Pretty much." As I said, we've been in similar situations before and very often, after thinking things through, she says something like, "It's fine. We'll just do ______." In other words, she has learned to be very flexible. Either that, or she is so tender hearted that she's more worried about my feelings than her own, and so she just acts like it's not a big deal when it really is. If that's the case, I have to say, she's better at hiding things than anyone that I've ever known. Anyway, for her to express her desire to stay in the class, knowing that I have a concern about it is unusual. We discussed the possibility of wearing a mask, which she was totally willing to do, but ultimately decided to drop the class. She didn't cry, complain, object, pout, sulk, or worry. I don't understand it. Whether she is hiding her true feelings to protect me, or really is so obliging that she just accepts the unacceptable makes no difference. Either way she displays such faith and trust and I don't know what, that it's very humbling. I know that all of the trials that she's been through have helped to make her into the beautiful person that she is.

cooties...

Man, I feel like a reporter. This is hard work! I have to say that this is the longest I have ever kept a journal. So what do I have to say today?... At the moment I'm still marveling over a recent discovery. Did you know that there really is such a thing as cooties?! I always thought it was some imaginary affliction that you caught if someone didn't like you.

Either that or people with cooties were just inherently yucky. Anyway, everybody knows that the cooties are contagious and I never wanted to get close enough to find out for sure what they were. Well, it turns out that cooties are real bugs hiding under an alternate identity. I found an authentic historical poster online that states that cooties is another name for lice. Apparently the cooties didn't appreciate the stigma associated with that name and decided to go by something else. How liberating to find out that they're curable with a little soap. I always thought they were permanent.

Yes, this poster did originally have a picture of a REAL cootie on it. It's been removed to protect the eyes of the innocent.

setting the record straight...

Indian Giver - There are two popular etymologies for this term for a person who gives a gift only to later demand its return. The first is that it is based on an unfair stereotype of Native Americans, that they don't keep their word. In the other popular explanation, the term doesn't cast aspersions on Native Americans, instead it echoes the broken promises the whites made to the Indians. Neither is accurate, although the first is closer to the truth.
Instead the term comes from different commercial practices. To the Native Americans, who had no concept of money or currency, gifts were a form of trade goods, of exchange. One didn't give a gift without expecting one of equivalent value in return. If one could not offer an equivalent return gift, the original gift would be refused or returned. To the Europeans, who with their monetary-based trade practices, this seemed low and insulting, gifts were not for trade but were to be freely given. The noun Indian gift dates to 1765. Indian giver follows about a century later in 1865. Originally, these reflected simply the expectation of a return gift. By the 1890s, the sense had shifted to mean one who demands a gift back. ~Urban Dictionary

p.s. see previous post (ouch...)

ouch...

So I've started a new blog that I plan to use for a scrapbook rather than a journal. I guess I could put everything together, but I like to compartmentalize. Is that a real word? Anyway, so this morning I was going through some of the children's artwork that I've been saving and Emmeli walked into the room. She asked what I was doing & I told her I wanted to put pictures of some things that she's given me on the computer, so Grandma & Grandpa & others can see them. I was really treasuring these things as I went through them, feeling so pleased that I had saved everything & so special because I remember how these notes and pictures were given to me so affectionately. And you know what Emmeli said, "Who said I gave those to you?" =) What a riot.

p.s. "If you go around thinking you're being cheated, life becomes very unpleasant." ~Bambi's Children, Felix Salten, 1939

forgetful fairy...

Our house has the laziest tooth fairy that there ever was. I wish I could write in and complain, but I've no idea where to send the letter. The kids have taken to blaming me for her neglect and in addition, they want me to pay them for their teeth! This morning, I was cornered in the kitchen and interrogated. I was accused of impersonating a fairy! I guess they think that since I'm always forgetting things and the tooth fairy is always forgetting their teeth, that the tooth fairy and I must be the same person. I don't know what they think that I would want with all those teeth. Poor fairy, I don't mean to be insensitive, I know she must be terribly busy. Maybe she's not lazy at all, maybe she's just forgetful. I can relate to that. I probably should try to help her out, but I'm not very fond of getting up in the middle of the night, and what if I run into her? What would happen then? That's not likely to happen since she never comes, but if the kids catch me sneaking into their rooms, then they really will think I'm the tooth fairy. Then they'll accuse me of lying to them for all of these years. I'm going to have to find a way to catch that fairy and prove it to them once and for all. I don't know what I'll use for bait though, because apparently she doesn't like teeth.

expect the unexpected...

Today is a new day and I can't wait to see what new and exciting things will take place. What cute thing will Emmeli say? What will Hannah do to make my heart glow? What will Daniel say or do to make me laugh, and how will Snow amaze me? Isn't it crazy how we often think we have the day all figured out when there's no way of knowing what might happen at any moment? Just now, Emmeli walked in the room with her pants on her head and her short sleeved shirt on her legs like a skirt, with her hands tucked into the arm holes as if they were pockets. Who could have expected that? You just never know. I often think I need to grab hold, "seize the day," but really, what I want to do is let it play out and enjoy every minute of it.

art classes...

I've signed the kids up for some writing workshops and art classes. I'm so happy that we have some things on the agenda that will get us out of the house. Snow's taking a pottery class and Hannah's in a mixed media art class. I'm excited to see what they'll make, especially Snow. I think she really has a talent for sculpting. I plan to put some pictures of their art on my blog when they're done, but it'll be awhile, because the class won't be over for another six weeks.

I signed myself up for an art class too. (pottery) I'm really looking forward to it. It's a two day class and Becky is going to come down and do it with me. We're going to have so much fun. I can't wait.

new plan...

Yay! We're finally back on track with our normal school schedule after a month of testing and makeup work. Emmeli is starting Kindergarten, so all four kids are now officially in school. Snow is in 6th grade, Daniel - 4th, & Hannah - 2nd. I've developed a new plan (plan#512) and I'm really excited about it. It's the best one yet!

forever...

Last night when I was tucking Emmeli in, she said, "I want you to lay with me forever."

rambling...

I have so much that I want to say! I am such a passionate person; it gets ridiculous sometimes. My emotions are all over the place. I'm always feeling something, and it all wants to come out. That's why I want to write. I want to feel the world around me and make sense of what I feel. I want to be able to take all that stuff bundled up inside and let it unfold and actually look like something. I wish I could play an instrument. I think that's what I need to do. I wonder if that would be easier. Not that learning to play is easy, I mean once you know how. Can you play out what you're feeling without worrying whether it makes sense, or does it take just as much effort to find the right notes? Where does all this passion come from anyway? It's a mystery. I know it's good for something, I just have to figure out what.

dad...

I miss my dad. I don't have anything meaningful to say. I don't have anything to say. I just miss him. I miss you, Dad.

stupor...

"Sometimes the feeling is more important than the word."

~Nobody stole the pie, Sonia Levitin, 1980

captured memories...

I can't imagine what life would be like without video cameras. I'm listening to my four year old's voice as it comes from my husband's laptop. He's editing our Christmas footage and piecing the clips together to make a memory that will hopefully last for a long long time. I don't know why, but I don't remember little details of every day situations for very long. They just fade right out of my memory. If something catastrophic happens, I will remember that, but otherwise I need videos. If I didn't have them, I would never remember what my daughter's little voice sounded like when she was small. I wouldn't be able to watch a couple of years from now and marvel at how young my son was when at the time It seemed he was getting so big. We would never be able to set a moment to the music that expresses exactly what we feel. I would be utterly in the dark, remembering everything from someone elses perspective, because everyone else remembers what I have forgotten. My oldest daughter reminds me of past events all the time with such excitement, "Remember, Mom?" and in all honesty, I have to admit that I don't. I hate that feeling. I should remember these things. So anyway, I'm very thankful for video cameras and for husbands who put movies together.

lucky hand...

Today, Hannah said, "Left is my lucky hand."

baby mouse...

Today Emmeli was telling me that she wanted to be my pet mouse, and she wanted to be a baby mouse named Mousy. Then, referring to her real self, she started to say, "I'm a baby," but she didn't. She said, "I'm a........I used to be a baby." At this moment I felt like time stopped and I looked at her and took in the magnitude of what she said. It was as if some enchantment had been broken. I was proud of her for some strange reason and I wanted to cry at the same time. There was a part of me that wanted to somehow hide what she had said and pretend it never happened, but I just sat there and let it soak in. She's not a baby, she's almost five years old. Even though I may know that, it's so hard to let that truth take hold and it's an idea that she is just beginning to grow into. Hearing her say it somehow made it true, and for me, it was a powerful realization that I don't have any babies anymore. I know, deep down, that I can't keep them small, but I am holding on so tightly. I feel like I'm holding back time like a tightly drawn rubberband, and I fear if I let go, everything from this point will be accelerated.

reminiscence...

I have recently been inducted into a complex society of online chatting and picture posting. It's quite something. Every day I eagerly await any sort of communication from any number of people who I may or may not respond to. I've found it to be the highlight of my day to turn on my computer and see that someone has posted some horrid picture of me for all of the online world's amusement, or to hear that someone across the country, who I haven't talked to in 20 years, is making lunch or enjoying a sunny day or going for a bike ride. I just love starting my day with silly comments made by guys who I remember from middle school who still make me laugh, and I can't tell you what it meant to me to chat with the boy who used to live across the street from me when I was ten. What a neat thing to be able to reconnect for a brief moment and just say hello, I remember you. I'm happy to have this tie to my youth, this connection to my roots that reminds me of younger days, and it's somehow comforting to find that even though it seems that everything has changed, some things remain the same.